The way you love me

2011-10-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have some things i want to admit....

My car and room are a mess..

I take forever to eat. I am one of the girls that will actually eat at mcdonalds. I love barbecue chips.

I don't care about using public bathrooms.

I take forever to make turns especially left turns but sometimes but sometimes dang it quit honking I don't want to be in an accident!

I lose things a lot and forget stuff often. I am terrible at names.

I am terrible at directions and my gps sometimes frustrates me and i am not proud of the words that come out of my mouth .

I get self-conscious easily and find it hard to connect with people.

I get distracted and find it hard to find time for God.

I get lonely and want someone. I am moody and sometimes don't understand why

I overthink things way too much.

I hate it when people say things like give God 100% .

you need to be always happy

I don't feel God gave me peace about it and feeling God's will.

about witnessing to others..

Anyone have any similar thoughts or am I just crazy?

Bad seed

2011-07-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

I just watched the movie the bad seed. It was very interesting. It sparked an interesting thought and in the movie the women is asking about criminals if any start young. She was told yes some seem to be just ' born bad' Are people? It seems so with some people. some people seem born nice and some just don't . There are disorders where children can be seriously disturbed and driven to rebel in serious ways. Not coming in after curfew but to commit crimes. While everyone is different gotta keep in mind that technically all of us have a 'bad seed' deep inside. Sin. We are all human and have a tendency to do that. Not that it's a good thing. But just to remember it's not so hard for all of us to fall either.

what loneliness can do

2011-06-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

Loneliness. It swallows you up.
Overtakes you, suddenly in you caved
Suddenly you’re falling realizing you’re.
All alone with no hope of being saved.

You hate having a lot of time
Thinking too much drives you insane
You try and keep yourself busy
And keep yourself from the pain

So you try and make plans
To do the absolute best that you can
You makes goals , do this and that but..
Seems like only you don’t have your own clan

With all the things you’re doing to distract
and fill your time can’t help that feel that you..
You’e really only doing these things because …
You’re the reject .and don’t have anything better to do

You decide to take a walk down the road
hoping maybe you can clear your head
It does just the opposite from what you hoped
You end up just wanting to go cry in your bed

you start over thinking things way too much..
Short hellos ,no real connections..still you try
Befriending people but no one seems to care
So much to give but …still alone and you can only cry

All you want is someone
To care to be able to know
Despite you being broken
They would still love you so.

If they saw you at your worst
The meanest version of yourself
Or the one crying out for a need
Not known even in a file in your head’s shelf

Someone who won’t label or judge
if you'e needy clingy or desperate,
weak or that you’re not enough
They won’t judge and as friend won’t quit.

Someone to always be there for you
Through all of life , the good bag and ugly
Though they may not agree with you always
Will stick with you and always your friend be

Hopless

2011-02-26T20:39:00.000-08:00

So sad.

All this weight on your shoulders. Having to stay so strong. After life has done it's best with you. Life can be pretty bad. For you I think it is worse. I see a lot of myself in you . Wanting to be independent but finding growing up difficult. You've been through pain. I think you've seen a lot of loneliness.Job loss. Which doesn't help . Stubbornness. Willing to work for what you want, and hard for it. Wanting to be loved. Pain. Stress worry. Anger. A lot of anger. I think the biggest thing is you want to know someone cares. You said it yourself. I've had the similar thoughts. You just want to go back to being a child ..but you can't.

To know someone cares about you. Something you can't quite express...you feel like you are going crazy and not sure you can handle it. You wonder if you started crying would anybody notice? Would anyone care? Everyone is mostly in their own little world just about.. and you're all alone. But where one things end.. I know I am not alone. I told you that.. but was afraid. Said what I could say.I Don't want to make you upset. But I did say with life .. either you'll get through it or you won't . If I get through it... Good! some stuff will be harder but God's gonna help you .. if not then i'll be dead and in heaven.

I hope I didn't offend you. Tried to be there for you listen and did talk about how I don't like it when people are judgmental. You seem so hopeless and sad. you say the only thing makes you happy is work. Such a sweet kind spirit.Wish could have said more.. That you don't need a guy , a job , money , or anything in this world to make you happy. Only God. I am going to do my best to keep in contact with you. The scary thing is , how a lot we ARE alike... how I forget. And I want to keep it in mind more and act like a Christ-follower and reflect those to the hurting.

I don't know exactly where you stand... maybe I am misinterpreting ...maybe you forgot a little bit yourself who you have with you. I hope you're stronger then i thought..but the things you said... I will be praying for you and I don't care if we're both busy I hope to do my best to be a good friend and will reach out more. We both need it. I think you're scared. You put up walls I think with how you've kept me at a distance .. (or is it me) either case want us to get closer. I had a good day.. seemed to end well.. hope it was good for you too. I really have no idea how to help you with talking about God though. Any help guys?

inspired by pretty little liars

2011-01-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

Pretty little liars hide secrets they don't want to face,
instead of dealing with it oh why can't they see?
instead of fessing up they lie,not knowing
the lie tangles them more and the truth shall set you free

As ben franklin said "three can keep
a secret if one off them is dead "
no secret should be worth so much
as a life , i don't care what was said

pretty little liars once started always must lie
to cover up what they've done they have to hide
Fighting constantly to keep it,they're always afraid
that secrets will get out, in end they're the person that's dead

pretty little liars are miserable behind their masks
i think what they want in most cases
is someone to love them in spite of themselves
they're really looking for love in all the wrong places

I of course have the same reaction
to wish to hide my flaws and any bad mistake
but I want people to know the real me
I myself choose not to be fake.

I struggle with stuff a lot things like..
judging others ,laziness ,and being selfish.
Worry,patience ,and anger also..Just to name a few!
So am I admitting I am not perfect? Absolutely yes!

Don't forget people are people, they make mistakes
and do things they shouldn't, though we wonder why ?
they might have been through a lot more then we know
They might be like me and just doing best they can to get by..

whatever it takes

2010-12-23T20:16:00.000-08:00

There is so much you want in life
To work a good job so you can save money
To be independent and take care of yourself but.
now; luck time, book and street smarts is usually the key

School is so important to us all, so necessary
knowledge is power something that's true i guess
but it's so expensive and a lot of work, in the end
for something so mandatory it is hard to access

Friends are there during the tough times
But are tough. disagreements,distance,change
So many things can strain a friendship yet without it..
we become lonely instantly even in crowded room it is strange

How far are you willing to go?
We all want these things and more
They all need things for them to grow
it's a circle, so hard to break out of ..it's a war

Some people will do anything
For one or two items on the list
use up all our time and energy that..
the other things we want we may miss

While those things are good for our life
don't let it consume you more then it should
Remember to do best to keep in first place the one who came
They did whatever it took for you ,and try and do something good.

unclean unclean

2010-12-06T10:02:00.001-08:00

How could the people take it?
They didn't ask for it to happen
then bam they're all alone
they're treated guilty as sin

They could have had the potential
l to be great people , world changers
But they are nothing , outsiders and outcast
for emotional or physical needs mostly no cures

Or even if they lived a small life
many wouldn't have objected
compared to being only a label
Unclean ! To all others you're dead

Think about it others treated them as..
worthless, lowest of low, rejected ,godforsaken
away from family and friends most likely forever
away from everybody..it's a game they can't win

But then everything changed , someone broke the norm
a simple carpenter later who turned out to be so much more
He loved them , He touched him and healed lepers and sick
The king of kings helped them their needs He didn't ignore

What if we listened to Jesus
when He said "Remain in my love"
even to those who are ' unclean I think..
we in turn will be blessed , from them and from above

expectations

2010-11-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

how many times does it have to happen?
you're up then bam- and you plummet back down ?
The shock is badreally ? it had to happen again?
I feel all alone with people all in this town

All the awkward conversations.
.and the other people are just being polite
there you can tell you're the only one trying
everyone is so busy but still for the friendship you fight

you work hard and do the best you can
but yet you find it wasn't enough
to know that after all that you still failed
it hurts a lot and it's more then rough

Only a few hobbies help for a while but still..
you feel the dull pain and sadness in your chest
you save treats to help sometimes you're ok
but still at night especially it comes out to nest

you want change but yet you worry and feel..
it'll happen: your life's newspaper will have a new header
you'll get a job, meet new friends all the stuff you want..
so you don't move you hope things will change for the better

speak now

2010-10-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

i got taylor swift's new cd and it is great i don't have all the songs memorized yet but i don't have all the songs memorized just my favories. i have a lot. fearless, the way i loved you , teardrops on my guitar, beautiful eyes, permanent marker , your face,i <3 ? , superstar the way i loved you you belong with me . i'd lie . fearless. i'm only me when i'm with you. mine . all of them mostly some of them it was a while ago so might be a bit shaky. it's amazing. What taylor says speaks to me . in speak now she talks about you need to take the chances and say what you wanna say better to try and fail then to never have tried. and it makes me think.

I'm always so cautious ,afraid . always thinking about what others think . did i talk to much did i come off this way? too aggressive? passive? look like an idiot? i think back and have some regrets. what ifs about this and that. i always seem to think over times. life feels like it's gone fast yet so slow. don't know which . i think back and i remember new years , times with cheerleading at the raining game . i remember prom . i remember hanging out with marissa kelsey or even just a kid around 12.. going to thomas's church and youth group and the crazy tsamala girls. vacations with the family.. the time i found out the worst news and feared for my family staying together. finally going to go meet liz . breaking down with her .. i remember it was great i could be myself around her. i remember it was cool to meet and hang out with her after crying and praying for a best friend. hanging out with people being 3rd wheel ...i remember my 1st boyfriend how excited i was getting ready for my 1st date. i remember the butterflies being so nervous and how it felt when we held hands. i remember always being afraid to say or do the wrong thing that it would be over. i think that might be why it ended. before it did i remember how it felt getting card saying he loved being with me. then how frustrated and sad i was when he couldn't come to family christmas with me being upset and telling him so in email and barely talking to him. i called him he didn't pick up .i wonder if i called the wrong number. being upset calling him he didn't pick up.. then getting to talk to him i think things are fine then he says... oh check your email. i remember being so upset. so many questions i start crying. wondering when i need to tell my family. more like a sister.i cried and sat in my dad's lap. feeling like a light had gone from my life. talking to him and hanging out with him had been. the next morning him iming me asking me if i'm ok. myspace comments him putting up old pictures oh the confusion . i remember the anger and jealousy after finding out he hung out with another girl and didn't tell me about it how even though heard she was seeing someone else that harldy helped because he chose to do that instead of seeing me.how he hung out with girls new years and he tagged me in note saying day after he broke up with me some other girl was his new years kiss.

it's been almost a year now since we started talking. i remember when i first met him thinking he was way out of my leauge. he was so cute and dressed nice. couldn't believe he was interested in me and wiling to drive as far as he did to come see me. then when i found he was dating someone else i cried. i remember talking with my guy friend M . telling him how i felt. M was really sweet. i told him my deepest feelings. how finding out he was dating someone else made me feel like i wasn't good enough. he said no don't ever say that. one night i was so close... really close. to texting B and telling him i missed him. i just texted him asked how he was doing . i wonder if i had read and heard speak now and read taylors intro to it.. if i would have done it any differently. a lot i've been thinking of the song the other side of the door. i wish over and over he would say he cared about me and explain himself and he would prove himself. it's been a year but as it was when i saw him at my school it would be awkward. the 1st time i came in a room where he was and i saw him i know i had the deer in the headlights look and almost turned around. was so happy to be away .. even now i am safe i don't go to school but in the spring i plan on going back. i was so upset even though i knew i wouldn't see him when i heard he came to niagra falls closer then nc to WA ! i wanted him so bad to be on the other side of the country. but then he kept emailing me. once even told me i was right to only date christians. so with that i think i will write him, go take a walk , and listen to taylor swift maybe even sing on the other side of the door. i don't know what if anything will happen for today i think that is a good plan and come back and iron instead of being lazy.

and as much as i wish i could type this or something similar i can't.at least learned i can be more fearless and it's ok to speak now. but it's something, as always i'm doing the best i can . And I scream out the window,"I can't even look at you, I don't need you," But I do, I do, I do. I say, "There's nothing you can say To make this right again, I mean it, I mean it" What I mean is.. I'll still leave but baby all i want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming i'm in love with you wait there in the pouring rain come back for more and don't you leave cuz i know all i need is on the other side of the door.

2010-10-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well lately i've been moody a lot lately . everyone's busy except for me i only have one class i do , and one once a week job. I run errands driving sometimes which has ups and downs as well with driving with my dad. and sometimes hang out with people but it's rare. i am going to church but haven't connected with people my age that well. i want to scream at the leaders why don't you have small groups why are there older people why not have it split? why don't you encourage more friendliness? i can't go all the time, and people don't remember me that much. seems groupy. everyone is dressed nicely . we sit in a circle facing each other . there's like 20 people.. and uggh. but i still go when i can . i don't have work don't know when to make my classes at rccc. after rccc still not sure where i am going to transfer too how that will work . will i be able to handle all the school i have to do ? will i be able to find a good paying job after school? both my sisters have a significant other. i haven't hand a boyfriend in almost a year. a lot of people want me to move to the northwest and i wish i could too. or that i stayed longer. if it weren't for my job if i knew before how i would feel... i would have changed my ticket till like deccember. i've seen mh once , ja once , mu (uggh) a few times. kay stays a bit but is talking to thomas on phone or doing school or wedding stuff on computer . she then leaves or work, wedding stuff or to go see thomas and hang out at the pinckeys. adele comes by sometimes tells me i need to get contacts and change my hair and have a makeover. the only friend i enjoy a lot is jg who i work with . was supposed to see mo but he was a no show.

LM is busy with school and stuff. and she's got her own life. and i miss her like crazy. but i'm trying not to stay on facebook too much. she doesn't get much texting and we both don't have very many phone minutes and dumb time change as when it's 9 here it's 6 there hw or cooking dinner sometimes still in class.

music keeps me sane. i do have stuff on my to do list so it's not like i'm bored. i watch movies on tv and youtube and apply for jobs write letters have stuff . i go walks which is really enjoy and want to do more . i wish i had done one today . but i didn't and then it was dark. yesterday i took a walk and saw an anthill . i poked it with a small stick and they all ran around worried for their nest. such a small hole.reminds me of how i don't have to worry because God has all of my worries with friends, school, job, money, future and all of life, He-the God of the univierse knows about them knows what's best for me and loves me and nothing can separate me from that. He is going to take care of me. I just need to follow him

2010-06-11T20:22:00.001-07:00

famous song lyrics from the cinderella movie. I think about God with this . He loved us first he made us even though He knew we would go astray break his head over and over blame him for things that happen in lives that aren't his fault not only did he know it beforehand and go through it, while it was happening and after we hurt him again and again he didn't ever change his mind. It would have been easy to say as in my big fat greek wedding , "Ha. Yeah, right, you're so not worth this." Who would blame him? but God didn't change his mind he still created us , let us live, and died for us. Of course from the song lyrics from cinderella it isn't US that are wonderful. We loved him because He first loved us" God helps us become more like him to not think so much about ourselves . i think it would please him if we more often let him know we love him because he's wonderful and sure glad he thinks somehow we're wonderful because he loves us.

Waiting on my one in a million : it's so easy to get caught up in the moment the nervousness and the thrill , smiles , and the compliments too go too fast and too soon.. to joke instead of being serious to ignore important flaws you might see with the persons character . it only breaks your heart. i am waiting for my one in a million . going to do my best to wait on God for my man. God will take care of me . though it's always a struggle i know whatever God's plan , His plan is good. whether i am single or married with 10 kids i don't want to go down any other road. i know whatever it is Jesus can take my load.

simple things.. i think we take them for granted. some things are just so ..amazing. maybe even not amazing yet just simply cool or interesting. One thing i hope .. is to be more simple. I was at a bible study and I just like it when stuff is simplified and how it really happened. I hate it when everyone is so formal everything has to be a certain way. Just tell it like it is. It is a lot easier. You don't need to use 3 dollar words for us to understand you . Something I need to work on i know i don't mean to but things get complicated i'm basically twister when talking sometimes and i'll be rambling stories and different things . Just thought i'd put it out there.

A bunch of bits of pieces of easter songs

2010-04-04T17:40:00.000-07:00

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

An old rugged cross was the justice
I deserved yet I was spared the penalty of sin..
When mercy stepped in

What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were an offering far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

The greatest day in history,
Death is beaten
You have rescued me
Sing it out Jesus is alive
The empty cross, the empty grave
Life eternal you have won the day
Shout it out Jesus is alive He’s alive

Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

Why should I gain from his reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom…

confusing post..

2010-04-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Christian Character award
I remember being about 12 or so and going to a sort of Bible study I used to go to with my church. We would do studies on things try and memorize scripture and hang out with each other. It was called All Star's . Now that d really it was just judging who had the best behavior. Who was the nicest and didn't cause trouble. But really we need to remember that is not what being a Christian is about. It is more then being nice and polite and not doing certain bad things.

Being a Christian is realizing you've messed up , and trying to go in the right direction and follow Christ. Even though you know you'll mess up along the way. Trying to serve Him and figure out what he has in store for you in this life. How "Good " of a Christian you are really cannot fully be judged from the outside. You never know what is going on in a persons heart. You don't know what they've been through . So Try and find good Christian friends , mentors ,teachers, pastors, future spouses -whatever . But I don't think there you need to be handing out Christian Character awards. Every person that you think is a 10 Christian you might say has struggles too and people who you might say are 3 doesn't mean they have their good moments. I remember in the Bible after Jesus comes back Peter is asking about John and what will happen to him . Jesus replies " If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? " John 21:22

I'm not saying it's good to just ignore someone who needs your help but I think we need to spend less time judging others and work more on ourselves. Your friends and different people will struggle in their life .It is a fact. They will have loss , hurt, anger and many other things happen. No one is perfect. That doesn't mean that someone is a horrible Christian and you need to go tell people to shun them.That is what hurts and turns people off. It doesn't help a bit. What can help is love and people caring. A big thing to remember is that a person's walk with Christ , you can't see. This doesn't mean you should put yourself in dangerous situations having no common sense , if possible to help them if they are wiling to receive help if they are struggling with something. You cant change anyone. Remember that. That is God's job. You can try and help people but you can't change them . They choose. If they make the wrong decision it's not your fault. And remember judging people at the end of the day is Jesus's job. Not yours.

Handcuffs and Twisted Necklaces

2010-02-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

When you start to get close to people then they start attaching themselves to yourself and your heart . Or in how i want to put it through like a handcuff around your wrist. it doesn't start like that it starts out as string.. easy to detach yourself from.the more time money energy and everything spent on the person , the harder and tighter it gets on you. it becomes harder when you've known the person a long time are really close and spend a lot of time together if it has to break , it is harder to detach yourself from . A thing is to make sure of the person you're letting yourself get attached too .. and want to make sure that they are attached to you as well before the attachment goes too far. And for the main attachment marriage is the hardest because you are closer then . it is real, tight handcuffs practically to the other person for life. and to have to break that apart would be really hard probably on both people. so I definitely want to make sure of the person I am getting married too.

Another random analogy i've had in my head is what I want to do.most people know i want to be a christian counselor but i really want to help some people understand what I want to do. I've just had crud in my life and i know it's hard to get past. Things get complicated. I picture some peoples lives as necklaces that have gotten twisted.. i can't save them but i hope to help them get untangled. They need to do work too if a necklace won't move or is stubborn that doesn't help. Just a picture in my mind i've had in my mind .. Praying it will work out.

How are you?

2010-01-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

How are you?

How are you? Are you ok?

I ask checking if everything is alright

after you are quiet, a sad status or note,

a breakup, a death, or even a small fight

I want to help I really do..

But am I any help at all?

Smiles,hugs, jokes prayers..

my help seems small.

It's what I really want to do in life..

Help the people whose life is a mess

and to them find true healing

But I must confess...

It feels weird for me to need to talk

or the one who has the problem .

I can open up.. but sometimes it is hard..

Honestly it seems sometimes I try more then them

A lot of my friends need help

They have issues without a doubt

I love them really and not just"practice"

but ..for future it won't hurt that I try to help them out

Obviously I am not perfect..no one is

But I try to help the best I can now

To cheer them up and lead them to Him

who helps us do things when we don't know how

Sometimes I'm having trouble myself

Sometimes there is not enough time

Sometimes but no words come

I feel bad but it's what comes off life's shelf..

For those who don't or won't follow Him

or the unsure, really am a lot more blind

I know what they need but they don't..

That answer I still have yet to find

You don't know what will offend them

What they've heard a million times before

Or what they really need to hear

I really don't want them to walk out the door

Though I worry so much sometimes

For my friends and their future fate

I know I can't save people only God can

I care a lot..so on me it's still a weight

People sometimes wonder when I talk to them

In this crazy life that is sometimes at best a zoo

Why do I always ask the same question.

It comes almost always as if on cue..

I ask this question because I really care

And making sure no one is blue

And I want to know the truth

The question is how are you?

for those who dare to read this....

2010-01-09T21:54:00.000-08:00

Thank you all who have helped for now I would appreciate if you keep this to yourselves .. I will be ok but i would appreciate prayer ..i hope i don't sound too pessimistic having bad few nights...hopefully you can read all of this but it's how i feel...

It seems a long time ago from The time when I was invisible To the guys at the very least A bit much but to me it felt real

Then you come along ..you soon took my notice I didn't think you would ever like me but before long you were my first kiss

I wasn't sure about you I didn't want to move too fast you wanted more I decided why not? As my 1st boyfriend you were cast

I was happy but then...you seemed to want me to change.Little weird comments and questions Maybe it's just me and for you it's not strange..

I really liked you, wanted to get closer but i was shy a lot..this was all new Sometimes I didn't know what to say.. never thought so soon my mood would turn blue.

I thought something might not be quite right but at the time i thought things were fine then the rug was pulled out from under my feet email says it's over, I can't help but feel the fault is mine

I couldn't believe it ... I sat in my dad's lap and cried my emotions are up and down and a lot of the time I want to hide

You said I seem more like a friend..and you don't want a relationship now You started this and how long was i a "friend'? It seemed fine and now this..I wonder how?

How can I argue with something like you see me as a friend? No talking about it not another chance..You just pulled the plug and the end.

I called before I knew..I thought you would care..You didn't pick up the phone..All because you were.. Scared of 'losing a close friend' and lack of words.. I was upset already then you left me alone..

How could you expect me to go to be friends from what we were How did you do it.I read..how the next day you kissed her..

I was angry and jealous all at once Did you do it to rub it in my face? Short timing..Did I mean so little to you? I really wanted to put you in your place I'm too nice of course..a bit of time has passed I still cry at our pictures How did it end all so fast?

Little things bother me..Despite all you say or do please don't expect too much Because..I really liked you

I told you you hurt me..For you it was "sad to hear"..No classes together for us! I just don't want you to be too near...

Some little things I miss..but if on you it began to dawn that you wanted to try again Your chance ..I'm pretty sure is gone

I will be alright I will be fine This is just me after I fell..I want to as know as much as I can.. I wish you well..

I don't like to feel this way you tried a bit to be a nice guy..I don't know how much I can handle.. But I want to do what I can to try...

2009

2009-12-29T23:52:00.000-08:00

2009... In 2009 I learned and/or was reminded of ..

Jesus is all I need. At the end of the day I try and remember I can get through stuff it may be hard but i will get through it and if it kills me then i'll be with Jesus and it won't matter. :-)

Jesus loves me in spite of myself

We all wanna be loved.

There is more to people then what meets the eye.

Empathy can really help you move on sometimes.. Put yourself in the other person's shoes.

God can help you move mountains..

I want to be a Christian Counselor.

Sleep is necessary

Trying new foods you might find some food that is good..

My family is amazing..

how awesome my church is..

that if you have something hard to tell someone sometimes it's good to just do it sometimes instead of just do it instead of worrying about it...

You are only responsible for yourself .

I can't do it all by myself

I need to take things one day at a time

2009-12-29T23:39:00.001-08:00

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts
-S

Why? Why a stage? Why not tell the truth? Why act and pretend? If one isn't happy with the status quo what makes a person think lying and putting on a mask would make it better? Nothing lasts forever. peopple need to remember that. We only have so much time on this earth. Why fill it with lies and things you don't really mean? I think a lot of it is people are scared . Maybe if they realized they had someone who accepted them as they are always they wouldn't be so afraid ... and if they knew they can do much more then they think they can with help..to get through hard stuff... they wouldn't have to pretend anymore.

more then..

2009-09-06T22:14:00.001-07:00

More then ..

dedicated to Liz M. by her best friend. For those who don't get us and to let her know again how much I appreciate her and reminders of our friendship.

Our time spent is not just a waste
Our friendship is so much more
Not just talking online at night about nothing
Though we would talk so late we'd fall asleep on the floor

More then our love of taking pictures
More then our love of dogs and cat
More then all our similarities we have
More then our (almost) matching kenny chesney hats

It's not just being being bored
so that we're (almost) always online
it's not even that on the hearts day
no guy has asked us to "Be Mine"

More then all our crazy conversations and laughs
More then all our silly and serious late nights
More then all the poking shoving and handshakes
More then us never really having fights (ever :-P)

Now you're probably wondering being so far..
how do you stay that close to each other?
Why with other friends would you fly out to see her?
It's complicated and not easy to be sure!

More then both being homeschooled for a long time
More then the hard thingn of having a parent with fibro
More then loving country music and singing taylor swift
More then us at times it being hard for us to go with the flow

We are just about 2 peas in a pod
A lot of the time we are one and the same
Even sadly with loneliness , family ,and friend issues
but we're moving on and others we don't want to blame

More then our liking big sunglasses
More then almost always wearing flip flops
More then us having the same awesome sweatshirt
More then us having accidents and each having to deal with cops!

It's not just one thing that makes us so close
Like being willing to stay up late and talk.. again
it's that and EVERYTHING and what's next that make us -
while she's not perfect she tries- and in my book a ten!

The thing is that our friendship
is bigger then just us talking her and me
God is helping us use each other to
become all that He wants to be

I thank God for you my friend You've helped save
My life and for that I'll always hold you dear
Yes it's true though serious issues she's helped me
Without God using her , I probably wouldn't still be here

graduation poem

2009-09-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

Normally It's poems I've written but this isn't the case I have to show you where I think I got my abilities.. he read it to me and kay at graduation and made me cry.

I try to come to terms
As time passes by
You've grown from child to woman
in the twinkling of my eye

Honor me as time goes past
When your talents you will try
As the road gets rough before you
Just say daddy yes i'll try

For trying gets you something
Even when you fail
the knowledge that you gain
May help you win as well.

When you fall down just get right up
dust off yet again
keep striving for the goal you want
have Jesus as a friend

Dear Jesus sure can help you out
So for his mercies cry
Honor him when I am glone
Say Jesus, Yes I'll try.

I know, awww right? :-D I love my daddy!!

2009-09-06T22:12:00.001-07:00

You put your right foot in
You put your right foot out
I think the hokey pokey
is really what it's all about..

This poem came to me randomly. I love my lightbulb moments. It actually came from a flair that asked ' what if the hokey is really what it's all about ' so i thought to apply it to the christian life. you need to try and move in the right direction try and grow in love and in christ and then serve God by serving others remember really you need to depend on God and you can't do it all and that God's love is really amazing no matter which you do . Feet arm head and whole self...

You're finally moving your feet
Slowly but surely in the right direction
Remember the fact that you're moving
It doesn't have to be at a run

Keep walking on the good path
even if you feel like you don't belong
Serve and love God and keep him first
He'll catch you if you fall and keep you strong

You think you've got your life down
That you won't fall back in and stuff just clicks
You mess up again your head hurts and..
Your candle is burned to the end its wick

You realize God loved you first
God loved all of you for yourself
No matter what junk you've been in
or if that old sin isn't back yet in the shelf

so hard

2009-09-06T22:11:00.001-07:00

Honestly Some things in life can be so hard
It's so easy to let something out of control
driving a car,keeping up with school and friendships
things pile up and get crazy even when it's not the goal

depression can get a hold of you
or the opposite losing your temper
and letting things get out of hand
but those things are never the cure

if you let go for a little bit it can be lost
even in some cases a moment
a lot can change in a heartbeat
and then in your life there's a big dent

but don't get discouraged or upset
even if things get out of hand take it from me
that no matter what has happened
it may be hard for you but with whatever
if you let God help for him it's easy

He's always willing and able
things won't be perfect it'll still be rough
but God will help you through it and with His help
things are easier when you know you have his love

why and what if?

2009-09-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

Why and what if ?

Why do I have such trouble connecting with people?
Why am I always think people have false intentions
That they only don't have anything better to do, so that's why they're talking to me?
always feeling people are fake when we're joking around or talk about how they care?
why do I hear important people say they miss me but sometimes I don't miss them?
Why do I just push back the pain?What will I do when I can't push it away anymore like before?
Why is past pain so overwhelming at times and how does it go away?

Why do I know God will take care of stuff but still I worry all the time?
Why can I not talk about the past with one of the people that it matters most?
Why am I so self-conscious with some old friends but can chit chat with strangers and parents?
What if it doesn't work out? What if it does?
Why do I make her feel bad when I know she didn't mean to hurt me and she missed me ,
and she did it for a good reason?

Why is it i want so much for other people who aren't usually, to feel accepted but when I get around them unless they're my close friends i feel awkward?
How can I let help those people who needs God's love when they aren't on the best terms with him, or the ones i'm not sure where they stand ?
Why am I one of the most ungraceful people ever?
Why did I let my fear rule ? Why did I play it safe?
Why do constantly think of what others will think?

Why can't I drive like a normal person?
Why am I so fickle?
Why do I start to like , so quickly? then all i can do is try and beat down hope but it doesn't work and i eventually find out they don't like me and usually liked someone else?
What do I look like to others?
Does the shortness bother anybody?
Why do I let that get ahold of me?
Why until now did i ALWAYS had poems that had to rhyme?

Why am i sometimes scared to open up but other times I do it way too fast?
Why do I go to bed 2 am or later?
Why do I stay up that late and then not always but sometimes then just fall asleep and miss devos but i'm willing to be on here late ?
Why is some stuff so hard for me? why do I freak out and become useless just about in a panic wondering what do i do about little things?

Why do I ask questions i know the answer too and ask questions no one can answer anyways..?
Why do I write prayers for people and I get nothing in return?
Why do I get hurt so easily?
Why do I doubt God sometimes?
Why do I miss things that I didn't feel so close too?
Why do I feel as if there's something wrong with me?
Why am I writing this? I sound pathetic

Hokey pokey poem

2009-07-07T21:16:00.001-07:00

think about this..

2009-05-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

don't let things hold you back so much... Some people may have really messed up but you don't know their story what they've been through. As one of my favorite quotes' don't judge someone without walking a mile in their shoes then you're a mile away and you have their shoes'

We all wanna be loved, yeah
We all want just a little respect
We all wanna be loved
Tell me what's wrong with that
Oh, somebody tell me

A rainy Monday afternoon
There's a funk over the city
Everybody's movin' to a different tune
Some are weak and some are strong
And some are sittin' pretty
And then there's others who are barely hanging on

It's no easy situation
People living in their separate worlds
But one thing we got in common is

CHORUS:
We all wanna be loved
We all want just a little respect
We all wanna be loved
Tell me what's wrong with that

I've never heard a dying soul
Wish that he had taken
More time on his portfolio
I swear I've never heard a mama say
Should've never had that baby
As a doctor holds her newborn on display

It's the heavenly prescription
A little bit will go a long, long way
Just put yourself in their position, don't...
We all wanna be loved
We all want just a little respect
We all wanna be loved
Tell me what's wrong with that?
.....
Faith and hope are worth a mention
But love is holding it's position

Love is a thing that we all crave
Let's get it straight

Wanna be loved - DC talk

stay beautiful

2009-05-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

Hey, Well I haven't has as much to post lately so that's why just to let you know. The other day I was upset but this helped . My thoughts and different points of view are in bold

Cory's eyes are like a jungle

He smiles, it's like the radio He whispers songs into my window In words nobody knows There's pretty girls on every corner That watch him as he's walking home Saying, does he know Will you ever know

You're beautiful Every little piece, love, don't you know You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone When you find everything you looked for I hope your life leads you back to my door Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful

Oh God you're so beautiful though all I do

I hope you always stay the way you are loving, patient , and good.

 Cory finds another way to be The highlight of my day I'm taking pictures in my mind So I can save them for a rainy day It's hard to make conversation When he's taking my breath away I should say, hey by the way...

Your love is so amazing I don't know I always

 like to remember the special moments with you to save them

to help me get through the hard times.

You're beautiful Every little piece, love, don't you know You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone When you find everything you looked for I hope your life leads you back to my door Oh but if it don't, stay beautiful  If you and I are a story that never gets told If what you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

God I don't ever want to lose you but if I walk away

and don't care about you I pray I'll come back and you'll take me in again..  You're beautiful Every little piece, love, and don't you know You're really gonna be someone, ask anyone When you find everything you looked for I hope your life leads you back to my front door Oh but if you don't, will you stay beautiful?  Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful  Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful  ohhh oooh  ohhhh oh ohhh  oh but if it don't, stay beautiful  Stay beautiful

When nobody else will listen

2009-04-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

page 1 of a book called nobody else will listen a girls conversation with God . I feel like this a lot ( not that it's anyones fault ) - Marjorie Holmes

Forgive me LORD but I'm coming to you because no one else will listen. Almost no one else will listen. Parents try to but they can't Most of the time they can't . So often they're not around when I need them. Pr they're too busy with their own affairs to listen. Or maybe they're scared to listen.

My friends and I talk , we talk a lot, but they've got their own problems. None of them really listens. I prayed when I was just a little kid , God , prayers I've been taught. It was all very innocent and simple, like talking to Santa Claus .

Well I'm not so innocent anymroe and it isn't simple any more. It's real-very real , my need to talk to -someone . To seek help somewhere. And even if I never see you , never hear an answer , I know that you too are real.

Now that I'm older I'm beginning to feel it , deep inside . Where it helps and where it hurts sometimes. You made the universe , you made the world. You made me. Me, with all these hopes and dreams and faults. You are listening. Day and night you are with me , listening.

I can tell you how it is , in my own words now. You won't critisize, you won't be shocked . You will listen. Thank you for listening to me God.

2009-04-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

I read family is the place you acy your worst and are treated the best.

Thank God for families.

Doubting Thomas

2009-04-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Just last night I was reading my Bible and suddenally bam! again I get hit by something to write. I think doubting thomas had faith .I really do. Why doubting thomas? He's called that from when he didn't believe Jesus was risen He wanted proof.

I think Thomas was what our faith is all about .. and I'll prove my point.In what i'm about to tell you He just really misses what's it's all about .. or so you think . Jesus is wanting to go to Judea . Pretty dangerous for him as he wasn't received well the last time he was there. . And what does Jesus say? He wants to go because his friend lazarus is asleep.

His discliples don't get it . Then Jesus explains that Lazarus is dead and he didn't go before because he wants the disciples to have faith . I'm sure they were confused. Why go for a dead man? But Thomas misses the point more then that. He says " Let's go that we may die with him!" I'm sure they were all wondering what he's going to do .

What a mistake huh? For those of us that know that for a while Jesus remains very much alive and Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. You think ' If I had said that I would go hide in a corner for a while. ' I thought that too. Until last night.

I don't know whether or not it really was true or not but the too be named doubting Thomas had faith. Look at what he says . I think we need to concentrate on what he says.. He KNOWS that Jesus is going on a dangerous situation . He may not know why Jesus was going to a dead man maybe he thought Jesus would heal maybe not .. if not also that might heighten the danger because when Jesus went a few people could be angry Jesus hadn't saved Lazarus beforehand. If he did believe Jesus would heal look at what happened when he did! What happens next is that the Jews are plotting against him and even Lazarus.

He understood the danger yet he said to the others let's go and die with him! To not just make the decision for himself but to try and persuade others. I just thinks it's cool though stuff may sound weird or not be the best timing when we say something God looks at the heart .Though we all mess up even as Thomas did by not believing Jesus had risen like he said he would he still wanted to see Jesus. And right after he did see Jesus he believed .

And isn't that why Jesus died to rise again in the first place to clean up after our messes? To be faithful to his promise even when we weren't faithful?

The greatest day in history,

Death is beaten

You have rescued me
Sing it out Jesus is alive
The empty cross, The empty grave
Life eternal You have won the day
Shout it out Jesus is alive
He's alive

Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

Happy Easter!

Gifts

2009-04-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking today God's giving us so many gifts big and small..

a family that loves me so much.. :-D ( especially my crazy sister kay who prayed for me the other night and who always can make me smile by being silly )

awesome friends that listen to me when i need to talk about stuff...

Just this morning i was annoyed because i had to help do stuff and i was like ugh when really i shouldn't have been that i had to help without eating breakfast not 5 seconds later my whiny little heart received pop tarts . God is good even when we're not.

It's been that way for a long time of course I wish tonight i was going to the good friday service but i got asked to work.. but i'm doing devotions here.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

I listened to this song. it's amazing.

I really connect with this song. And as the shirt from the song amazing grace says . " I am the wretch that song talks about' I don't deserve anything from God but he wanted to give me this big gift , and he has it for all of you. I hope you accept it. I hope you guys have a good friday and remember it !

I'm glad sunday we'll get to say he is risen and can hear back he is risen indeed!

The secret to life

2009-03-31T08:50:00.000-07:00

I may be young but somehow
I think the secret to life I've realized
and no, I won't look back and think I'm wrong
I won't look back and think I lied

It's not about money power or beauty
how much You know or having fun for a spell
You will never really be satisfied with those things..
They all can hurt like a knife and are empty like a dry well

You may be wondering What is it then?
To try and always be a good person?
No I've tried, it's too hard and it's not enough
The noblest thing for you has already been done !

The secret of life I think we all look for ,
You'll wonder when you hear it,really it sounds odd ,
But knowing You can't do anything by yourself
You need to let go and let God

small blessings for Jesus..

2009-03-20T12:01:00.001-07:00

So many unknown people blesed God's heart

10 lepers were healed only one gave thanks

women and men who knew just a touch or word from Him would heal

a widow who trusted God about giving all of her small piggy bank

God has always been so good to me ,

On me he's let his blessings pour

I want to bless Jesus's heart like one lady especially

When I think about what she did I like her more and more!

A very sad ,desperate woman

Who must have had a very pain-filled life

She braves the rejection she felt she deserved

and others because of her past,will give her strife

But what she didn't know how she blessed God

Was what the savior had planned and was doing

That he loved her so much for what she would do

For her , she was preparing him for when he be dying!

She blessed Jesus's heart , even she,

With a beautiful love offering

She put perfume on His feet

People around him who should've, did nothing

Through a hard life she was a sinner

She was saved by her act of kindness

She wasn't looked down on by Jesus

She found wasn't forgiven or loved less

Closeness...

2009-03-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

I think we're all scared. We don't want to admit it but we are,especially me. We're really scared.

Of what you might ask? We're scared of rejection. Don't just up and leave because I said that. I'm not going to give some crazy sermon about how you don't need to worry about that because if you just read this book or do this or that that you'll have perfect friends like that, The End. That's not it. Some people might not really care what people think,and at times I wish I could be more like that . But I'm who God made me. I think it's cool for people who can always put themselves out there, and make people laugh and break the ice. The ones who everyone seems to like them and it doesn't look like anyone would reject them.. But what about the rest of us?

The ones who sharpie their shoes .. ( guilty) , who really do care what people think ,and are very easily embarrassed and deal with rejection like all of us?Or who like me get nervous something as simple as asking a friend to hang out because you worry if they'll say no (again) they're busy or that they'll say yes and it'll be awkward. I've had that a lot.There has to be something for the rest of us .. who well maybe don't feel very close to their friends, and want to open up and become closer.. But they're scared. Or maybe you need friends maybe you've been hurt before. Maybe you need new ones because you've grown apart..Honestly with someone I was very sad to have leave and change it affected me a lot but the thing was.. I wasn't as close to her anymore and when we were it was mostly the fact that we've both faced rejection. I feel awkward a LOT.

They say write what you know right? Well as some of you know... this is something I know about. A lot. I still deal with this. I've gone from a few ' best friends ' and we've eventually just grown apart. So for the friend department I wasn't doing so hot. And now my best friend of about 3 years is great and I love her , even all the way to rainy Washington state on the complete opposite side of the country basically.I've had many a lonely weekend. And it hurts when plans don't work out.

I've felt before it would just be easier to just kinda give up on people before but on the asking to hang out a lot. But I didn't . You know why? I think a lot of things in this life we get mixed up. I think you need to do things you may feel are wrong. Like be yourself. Be a little random and don't be so self conscious or take yourself too seriously, everyone sounds dumb sometimes honestly. A quote I like " Don't take life too seriously no one gets out alive anyways."

Honestly I'm trying to remember times where people got tongue tied and I can't remember a lot .. though it is me .. :-P Just try talking to people . A little small talk is OK but see if you can expand on it more. Get to know people , all people.You don't have to be limited. Do nice things for them. Jesus wants us to be nice to everyone. It's hard I know. ( Within reason I mean I'm not saying to force an old lady across a street you don't know or to put yourself in a dangerous situation but to have less of a filter I guess you could say.)

A big part of it is knowing that you ARE going to get rejected sometimes.Welcome to life. But that may not necessarily mean they don't like you if they can't hang out. Keep trying. Try other friends. Still unfortunately not everyone will like you. But you know what? It's not going to be very much fun hardly having anyone you can talk to is it? People you can relate too who can give you feedback or just be a soundboard. Think about it. I think it's worth the risk. You have to take it. Also at least you won't have to wonder what if you had said yes and could have had a great time and gotten closer.

And this wouldn't be complete without of course you've been more then accepted by someone who can be the best friend you'll ever have, Jesus of course. He will always listen to you , always forgive you , will never leave you, he's just not ' being nice' by all those things , He loves you so much! I think it's helped me handle rejection.. oh it still hurts but you can get over it with a bit of time.

Unfortunately I don't have maybe the answer some of you were looking for, to the friend whose friends aren't good friends. I can't answer that what I have to say is pray , try and talk to them and try and talk them maybe it's a miscommunication I hope that's the case but other than that all I have to say is you are very special and you deserve to be treated better then that .

I felt it was kinda strange that I'm mostly talking about rejection when I thought about writing about closeness, but you'll have some of the 1st I think with people before you get too the 2nd (and you've got God always no matter what don't forget that) Also to help find true people you can be close to you do I think have to be yourself and maybe break out of your shell a little. And I'm still in this so I don't know if all this is right and I'm not saying this is all perfect because chances are pretty good it's not.

Needs

2009-03-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

" I need you."

I heard those 3 words today. I was very glad to hear them. In short they were from someone I love very much , who I had been mad at and been childish about it I took something the wrong way though I knew I shouldn't have ..Anyways it was good to hear them .Needs, we have so many. Food clothing shelter... those in a class I took were said to be the 3 basic needs people need for surivival but are they really? I think we have more..

For some reason need , desperate need is so ... attractive for some reason. Or maybe it's just me.. it wouldn't be the 1st time. But really I guess what I really love about it is how it's so raw and real. A real need just can't be ignored. It has to be denied. It won't downplay itself , it won't settle for less.. I hope you can tell I don't mean something trivial like ' I need some gum' or whatever.

A real need is always in the back of our minds , It wants to be fullfilled quickly. It HAS to be done. Think of after you've just run a LOONG way (or maybe not so long if you're like me and running around my house a few times and..) what do you instantly want ? Well I don't know about you but if it's hot or anything I'm WATER!!

So what do you guys think? are the things about all we really NEED?I don't think so. Not when I seen people writing sad poems or blogs online that are either just really sad or even sarcastic but you still see it..

I see it in my sister who tries to sing or make me laugh and I realize when I have to do something and she takes me that she's alone and doesn't seem to have anything to do..

I see it in my other sister who is let's just say in a relationship she shouldn't be in but she is..

I see it in my dad and my mom a lot in why they're where they're at from extreme pain and somehow are here today ..

I see it in my best friend who even though she is vey busy with school and chores and such still says I can call her anytime

and...

I see it a lot in myself.

Every one of us has it . The need is love. We all need love. Show me someone who under normal circumstances , does not want love. We all want the best friend to be able to talk to, we all want that guy or girl who just so gets us. I remember I really had a crush on this guy. I felt I had a real need to finally do something about it and find out if maybe just maybe he could like me back... even me and he was so great ( or so i thought not that he's awful or anything but he's human) I hope you guys don't feel that way about who I'm going to talk about next. Like you're not good enough. Like if people really knew in your thoughts and heart... you shudder to think. If that's you keep reading please.

Most of all but we don't know it, we want that God who loves us . Why? Because we know he loves us as we are. Maybe not all the time but I think deep down we know . He knows all our thoughts all the things we try and hide so others will accept us as we are. I certainally hope you know God does accept you as you are and love you even now . He only wants you to come to him.And He can and will fill your needs.

That's why God made us in the first place. He wanted love too. He wanted real love. He had the angels but God wanted us to have a choice and He knew we could choose not to love him. But God made the world anyways. He didn't stop Adam or Eve, was born into this world , lived a perfect life and died and rose again. That's real love and I hope to show that.

If you get anything out of this my worship leader spoke since my pastor was out of town but two things he said I remember ...

There is nothing you can do that will make Him love you any less then He does right now.

And there is nothing you can do that can make Him love you and more then He does right now.

Also if ever you need someone .. email me.

everyone read this

2009-02-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

This may seem a bit of a basic truth but it's one we really need to remind ourselves a lot. I think God loves us and is all we need it doesn't matter what we've done He loves us anyways .. thinking about it brought tears to my eyes ,thinking about people who don't know this. I just want to let everyone know it and I hope God will use me to help people know that. Also I was just so thankful. It's so amazing to me I love realizing it again and again how God loves us.He's always going to take care of us we just need to come to him and at the end of the day that's all that matters. It

There's something I want to say
A truth I want to be told
It's a lie I believed
which has quite a strong hold

This lie is well hidden
It's a tough cookie
The lie is about perfection
That only 'good' people God sees

we're told it's not true but
and feel what we're not up to par
and must do this do that,
But God loves us as we are

We've heard it a million times before
But it really needs to sink in
God loves you more then you can know
In his book you're more then a 10

Know that there never is a time
Where we won't have any troubles
There's no secret to life except this ...
God loves us no matter how far we fall

Sometimes you're doing too much
You don't need to go so fast
God can speak in the slow times
Remember God's forgiveness will always last

Good people don't go to heaven
Forgiven people go to heaven
You're GOING to make a mess of things..
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Could You Help me to Keep Waiting?

2009-02-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

So, it's that red and pink holiday again, and again i'm alone. well, not totally alone, after all, i have my family. But still, i'm alone. this is the second year in a row i've had to work on Valentine's Day, and while i'm not thrilled about going to work this evening (because of my cold that i'm battling) at least it'll keep me busy. At any rate, i'm ready to "release" a new song that i've been working on. maybe someday i'll have my brother record a video of me playing and singing it, but for now i'll just post the lyrics. It's called Keep Waiting. Some of this song came out of a letter i wrote to my future husband. I just ended up phrasing a sentance a certain way, and then poof! Melody and music came.(for those who haven't heard, i can "hear" in my mind an entire band, or even orchastra playing along to my songs. Weird, but true.) Anyways, this song puts me in a spot to just cry out to God when i'm getting anxious about this who Future Husband thing. Sometimes I find it extremely hard to wait, even though there's nothing i can do about waiting or not waiting. I know that God's timing is best, and He knows what He's doing. Even though it's tough, i just need to keep building my character, and moving closer towards God. I've jabbered long enough, here's the song, Keep Waiting:

I've been led back to the same conclusion
I need to wait it out
Avoid the road that leads to confusion
Because it only tries to knock me down

*chorus*
Could You help me to keep on waiting
'Til You say, "Let's go on."
I will let go
Surrender all control
And let You work in me

I am walking, wandering around
Will I ever find him
Will it all work out?
With my impatient heart
At times I can be jittery

chorus

bridge:
I don't know how
But I know you'll let me know
I don't know if I'll be ready
But I will be waiting anyway

So I keep sitting here
Writing my songs
I am hoping and praying
That it won't be long
But I'll keep praying for his life
As I go through mine

Chorus

Memories

2009-02-09T21:30:00.000-08:00

I randomly feel i have to say this...

I changed my color for you I shed my coat with caution I lack the beauty you display See here there are the bruises And some were self-inflicted And some showed up along the way So i nod my head Im ready for the world to see The secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be Slip into coma calm The coma where i calm myself down Here comes excuses why i let you down Stand by for another breakdown Sound off the alarm Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become Chameleon boy Chameleon boy So now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done Its telling you that im a mess What sort of mess i mean Is self-destructive gasoline The kind that strips you of your best And while i play instead the way that most would end up dead You sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed With this im telling you My color changes back to blue How do i ask you this Will you help me through? - chameleon boy blue october

I thought I was ok but I don't know if i am. maybe i just read some stuff i shouldn't have. it was really sad. Memories of harder times , some things aren't so bad now but still ...

I want people to know I'm not perfect. Most peole know this but I think some people just think i'm ' so sweet' all the time and everything I just read a post about a girl who felt she always had to have it together and I want to admit I don't. .

What really one of the things I read is my longing to be closer to people. I feel so many times I nee to be closer to people. Some people have such closeness I want that. I'm so eager for that I think I scare people away at times how clingy I can be and by how many times I'll try and make it so we can hang out - ussually with the other person being busy.

Everywhere I go it's awkward for me a lot , just standing around looking for someone to talk too.. even at the church I love. A lot of why I love it is my small group. Which we see each other at church but don't hang out otherwise I would like too though.

I've been upset a lot by honestly people saying they want to hang out with me and then guess what intead they hang out with my sister. It's happened a few times.

Elizabeth is and I hope forever will be my best friend. but she lives on the other side of the country. Even there it gets so we don't know what to talk about , and we both have things we're afraid to tell the other. We both end up at times where we wonder where God is and we feel we don't care kind of mood sort of like how i am now.

My sisters lives are pretty much working out possibly to what they might be. My sister adele is engaged and seems to be pretty happy with the guy she's chosen, kay is trying to decide what school she wants to go to but is pretty sure of her boyfriend as well. I found that out a few weeks ago.

They have their lives planned out almost things could change from that but they won't be here with me forever . I don't think I'll be here forever. I worry about it because I don't know . I don't really have a plan.The ones I have i'm not sure off..

I'm pretty much afraid of being alone. I want someone to love me for who I am in spite of myself . Despite how insecure I can be how it's hard for me to trust despite my moments like this .. despite the fact I'm scared . Even though sometimes I think I may have pushed away the truth so much I don't know what I feel and if those feelings are true. I want to be held . I remember once I was just really tired I don't ussually do this but a guy offered and I crawled into his lap and I leaned against him and closed my eyes. It felt really really amazing. ( and not romantically by the way I do not like this guy ) Though I wonder if I'll ever get a boyfriend. It always seems to be me liking someone when really I shouldn't. Someone who I don't know and who doesn't like me.

I wonder if there's something about me that has honestly turned people off. Do I not take enough care of myself? Do I act too much like I don't want a boyfriend or do I scare them away? Kay has honestly asked what if I never get married and how would I feel about it. I don't know exactly I probably would feel different things. It makes me wonder if I'm the suppose to be like that , the type. On a humourous note though if honestly I'm older and I'm not married I am SO getting a heat up blanket. I'm tired of having a cold bed and if it looks like it'll always be that way for me i'm going to have something warm me up. .

Before I started blogging recently I never knew love was so persecuted. Love is a battlefield does really seem like a deep song now. I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it? - kate in john tucker must die .I think that's even with God.

I guess the reason why I wrote this in the 1st place is as I always do to come back to God. You may have noticed I have a lot of things I don't know in there. There is one thing though it may not seem like it .

But really I have to remember the things I do know deep down. I know there is a God who loves me more then words can say and he's given me so much. Eventually I will be in heaven with him. but for right now I'm living my life and I want to try and live it for him.I can't see how things will work out but they will. God will provide a way for me to live the life he wants me to live..I'm his and nothing is going to take me away from him. It's amazing to think about isn't it? He won't abandon me or leave me friendless. I've got him and he loves me for who I am and he loves all of us. Remember that.

So I was just being dramatic but as always I came back to God and if it helps someone out I think it's worth it.

You're all I want you're all I need..

2009-01-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

My head hurts from math today. I've been procrastinating math at times so I'm kinda hoping to be able to finish my mathbook but i don't know i'm not halfway done and it's already about the end of january... so i've been trying to do better the day before yesterday i got 2 lessons done and kinda like i have to get this and and this done .. i tried to do that today i could maybe have not been working so late but got distracted .i got so frustrated i started crying not a lot but ugh . i was stuck on this one problem basically and dad came in and said i should stop. Now i'm trying to not have a headache by listening to music I wish there was something else i could do all i can do is try it a few times and then give up.. You're probably wondering what this has to do with God ? Well I will tie it in later ..

anyways i wanted to mention the other day randomly i was thinking and i think i finally realized Jesus is all I need. It's been pretty cool i do need to remember now that i can't just be by myself.

when I thought of that almost made it sound like I could just be by myself and not have my responsibilities though I wish I didn't sometimes ,I have them. I just really need my me time and i was thinking about it and I came up with this there are 2 gifts God gave us .. one is alone time (which you need this can just be time to recharge think or prayer or worship ) I am always trying to have my me time whether it's a long shower while singing , secretly not minding some chores too much if i can sing while doing them or.. you get the picture.

Some people really need to be able to slow down. What's harder for me is 'speed up' . I make efforts but it seems people are so busy it seems to not be worth it or it seems just really awkward a lot ... but i know i need to keep trying. I'll need people to talk to and people will need me to talk to as well. I need the funny things to think about people to maybe distract me and and though i worry i know that Jesus will always have friends for me and if i'm waiting for one i've always got one. Hopefully knowing Jesus is all I need might lessen how much i care what other people think.

With Jesus being all i need with those things i remembered the everything skit and I watched it . it's amazing. It made me think i have the things pulling at me my desire to try and ' do it all' with schol and everything when really i can't , the threat to worry about friends or future school or even work stuff will i ever drive... i can really mess up a lot . I also listened to the song as far as the east is from the west. The other day i read where that is in the Bible in Pslams 103. What i hadn't noticed before is the verse.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him.

That's pretty far isn't it?He can deal with whatever I can throw at him. He can help me with things I wouldn't expect like with the friend thing , helping me with math and calming all m my fears. I wonder why they didn't put that also in the song.. and that's pretty cool to think about .

Enough

2009-01-24T17:52:00.000-08:00

One thing I finally did was make the above picture on paint I made it to remind me things I tend to forget about God, and I made it my background on my computer . So I can see it often. Check it out , you can use bits of it if you want and if you're curious as to some of the meanings on them be free to ask.

Anways onto the blog.I think I'm onto something I kind of realized but it's hitting home more now. We all know that God knows everything right? Of course we do if you've ever been to Sunday school as a kid you know that. I was listening to a sermon again thanks to podcast on itunes and it got me thinking. For one thing God knows though I'm failing at following him.. I don't love him enough , I don't put him 1st, I worry , I have fears , I have pride vanity I waste my time with things I know I shouldn't ... but he knows that I'm trying.One of the biggest things I wish I could do that I can't is to fully be able to love God with all my heart soul mind or strength. I feel since God did all that he did for me I should be able to live loving him all the time while I'm here.. But I can't .But God knows I want too. I doubt God, I don't feel I trust him enough really , I worry about the future, how people see me and things of that sort .

How sad is it that I can't really trust and I worry even though I know the one who won't lie to me , or want me to be hurt is in control and one that always is looking out for my good also .But with God knowing I want to trust and love him , and doing my best to do things that please him, I will mess up but trying anyways .. I think that's enough for God. Something else I realized is that people say love and forgiveness are actions and you choose to do them and that is true. But also Trust is in that same category. I wish I didn't rely so much on feelings they can be so misleading.

Trust is an action, though I have doubts about all 3 of those that means I have a certain amount of fatih in them. Also think about this. When you love someone , you don't really care about obstacles do you? Things may come up in your mind as to why you shouldn't , why it won't work out , maybe what they've done to you before, whatever...

Yet you don't care. You love them anyways I think how you love God is the same way . I know you'll hurt God when I mess up, I know I don't deserve him. I know I can't give him the love he deserves .. yet I don't ' feel ' it all the time (you know what they say actions speak louder then words and i think somtimes even feelings. though I stray and get distracted I ussually am always trying to please God which I hope shows a bit at least of my true colors ..) I think deep down past my doubts and distractions I let come in , I love him too. I

love how God loves me , how I know he's always listening to me , How nothing is too small for him and he cares about the little things like my little fears , and the big things how he dealt with all the pain somehow from the world and he he died for us on the cross . And that we just have to believe in him . And that's enough.

Thank you LORD my back and forth love faith and trust in you is enough .help remind me of how much you love me and that you are more then enough for me .

Have You been Sleeping In?

2009-01-20T07:53:00.000-08:00

I thought it was high time for me to make my grand appearance on this blog. I would like to thank Barb for making me part of this opporation, even though I don't do very well with keeping up with blogs.

I wasn't really sure what to write about for this first post of mine. However, I know a lot about music, and songs. I love Christian music, and often find good quotes from songs. Thus, deciding to use this knowledge and passion to form this post.

A increasingly popular song has caught my attention in the past month, and helped me through a hard time. The song is called "Sleeping In." Listen to it here.

The lyrics are actually very powerful, if you really think about it. The basic concept of the song is that this person doesn't want to face the problems of the world, so a simple solution is to sleep, because otherwise they think about all these problems. But this person realizes that he's not the only one, and God let's him know that.

I feel like sometimes I get so caught up in the bad stuff around me, or things in my life that are going wrong. Lately that topic has been how the heck I am planning to pay for college. I've been really stressed by thinking about it, and thinking about everything I need to do before I leave for college in August. Even though it's a worry of mine, I just let it build up until it became unbearable. Did you know that stress can cause sickness? I knew that, but didn't think that was the reason why I didn't feel like myself. Since the beginning of 2009 I hadn't felt well. I had a cold, that was on its way out. But my stomach still didn't feel right, and I stopped eating, and wasn't drinking as much water as recommended.

After a few days I felt weak. Eventually it got to a point where I just wanted to feel better. Thankfully since that time, just a few days ago, I do feel better. Although, now that the second semester is starting tomorrow, I am feeling some more stress. I'll have three new classes, and so it's almost like the first day of school. Also, I'm honestly a little worried at what's to come with our country. Not in a good or bad sense, just a unknown thing. I've found that one of my biggest fears is the fear of the unknown. If I don't know what's going to happen, and how it's going to happen, I get unbelievably scared.

God still loves me in spite of my weird fears. Sometimes it takes awhile to let go and trust, but when I do, everything gets brighter and lighter. As it says in the Bible, "Perfect Love casts out fear," and it's true!

Like it says in the song: "And I get carried away like I'm the only one/ Who's ever felt the way that I do/ But I can hear you say, 'you're not the only one./ 'Cause everybody hopes to get through,'" It can get to a point where it feels like we are all by ourselves on this journey. But God is here to remind us that we don't need to go through this by ourselves. There are also other people out there wanting to help, and share the burden. I've been thinking about this part of the song a lot lately.

I encourage you to bring your stresses to God. He'll know what to do with them, and He'll show you want to do with them. Because God is Love, and God won't leave us, this means Love won't leave us either. transitive property.

Behind my closed eyes

2009-01-18T19:17:00.001-08:00

I just thought of something random I could blog about.

I don't know if anyone has noticed this i think once someone asked me but when i'm worshipping ussually whenever I know the words to the song or most of them my eyes are shut. Almost always .Why you may ask? Because I don't think worship is a time for friends or to be staring around the room at people. I want to try my best to focus on God it's hard enough when i have my eyes open and i'm seeing my friends. I want to try and think about the words. I always try and give that time to God if nothing else.

Like I said it sometimes doesn't work i ussually end up thinking about something else anyways but i'm trying to eliminate distractions. Also if I go the side or move around when i am looking at the words because i don't know the song , i am most likely just trying to see the words past someone tall i'm not trying to be distracting or trying to get away from you. Also I may move anyways when i try and worship it's not that either, I am again trying to not feel distracted. I may still want to clap but am trying to not worry about what you're going to think if i'm by off the beat some or possibly i may be trying to do some of my own ( or maybe not ) of my motions . to a few songs i have made up some hand motions to the words they may not make sense to you but i feel like doing them sometimes and trying to not care what you possibly think and just to do it anyways. I feel worship is very important . Sometimes i may be ironing , outside or just in my room and i'll listen to worship music and sing with it . I feel with that there is no need to worry as much what other people think because if they could seriously hear me kay would tell me . It takes away from the distrations more and it doesn't matter what i do or how i sound. just less distractions again and i'm turning a chore or something into something better by christian music i love and giving him some time of my life by singing for him even if it is while i'm ironing . a bit of a hard thing for me to grasp is the worship all the time. But i'm just always trying to do my best with jobs. I am always a hard worker. I don't like to leave a job half done. But other then that it's still hard for me to get it . So i'm not perfect at worship but i'm trying. I don't know exactly all about it and don't understand everything , but I'm trying and you know what i was thinking? God knows me he knows i'm trying. So even if i'm not listening to worship music all the time or every single second thinking about God. God knows what i'm capable off and i don't know if i'm loving him with all my heart strength soul and mind but i'm trying and he knows i'm trying and that's all the more reason why we need his grace in the 1st place right? :-D

I hear voices in my head.

2009-01-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

Seriously . I do .

But not in the way you think I mean it . I don't mean it in that the voice in my head says for me to kill myself or to ruin the life of someone for no reason. No A great song that partly made me think of this blog is the voice of truth by casting crowns.

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Well to continue with that I want to continue I think this will really help people hopefully I think a lot of people feel like this though all the time with things like this you think and worry if it's just you or not.

What I mean by that is I have all kinds of different thoughts in my head. I have the very hopeful ones , and the doubtful one let's use an example ... I applied for a job at the library . I had an interview and that went pretty well but they had an organizational test . They had a few small ones you would put things in alphabetical order, sounds easy right? Well The names were all alike like only a few letters would make it different making it really hard. Obviously my doubtful voice would be I didn't do that well my handwriting was awful on it , the first 2 I took a while and on the 3rd I might have gone too fast and got it wrong. My hopeful voice says The 3rd one I made pretty sure I did it well it was easier I probably did well on that one and I apologized about the handwriting they seemed to understand it was the pencil they had that needed to be sharpened it's better then using a pen and having to cross things out . So that's how different the views can be. It's really hard when viewing people and situations because you never know for sure if they meant what they said. It happens with everything I do. It's really frusterating but I think now I know one thing to pray for is to weed out the thoughts that are wrong and to bring help me discern God's voice.

1st blog

2009-01-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

I tried to find You but I didn't know Your name
I searched for love, but I found only pain
I chased the truth, but I only caught the lies
When I searched for beauty
Dirt got in my eyes

And then Your love showed up
And it erased my pain
Lord, You gave it all just to clear my name

Why You love me I cannot understand
How You love me, can't even comprehend
That You want me as broken as I am
I can never repay
The way You love me

The closer that I get to You the smaller this world seems
Deep inside my heart You placed eternity
You gave me room to breathe, a place to get away
Standing in Your presence with a debt I can't repay

There's no high, there's no low
There's no power or control
Nothing's gonna keep me from You

I love the way, the way You love me

thank you for reading my blog. I became inspired to start this blog after I wrote a prayer down as that heplps me I wrote down about God's love. How crazy it is. You can read it here

I hope to write lots on here and I hope you are encouraged from it. God bless