Needs

                                                           " I need you." 

I heard those 3 words today. I was very glad to hear them. In short they were from someone I love very much , who I had been mad at and been childish about it I took something the wrong way though I knew I shouldn't have ..Anyways it was good to hear them .Needs, we have so many. Food clothing shelter... those in a class I took were said to be the 3 basic needs people need for surivival but are they really? I think we have more.. 

For some reason need , desperate need is so ... attractive for some reason. Or maybe it's just me.. it wouldn't be the 1st time. But really I guess what I really love about it is how it's so raw and real.  A real need just can't be ignored. It has to be denied. It won't downplay itself , it won't settle for less.. I hope you can tell I don't mean something trivial like ' I need some gum' or whatever.   

A real need is always in the back of our minds , It wants to be fullfilled quickly. It HAS to be done. Think of after you've just run a LOONG way (or maybe not so long if you're like me and running around my house a few times and..) what do you instantly want ? Well I don't know about you but if it's hot or anything I'm WATER!!

 So what do you guys think? are the things about all we really NEED?I don't think so. Not when I seen people writing sad poems or blogs online that are either just really sad or even sarcastic but you still see it.. 

I see it in my sister who tries to sing or make me laugh and I realize when I have to do something and she takes me that she's alone and doesn't seem to have anything to do..

I see it in my other sister who is let's just say in a relationship she shouldn't be in but she is..

I see it in my dad and my mom a lot in why they're where they're at from extreme pain and somehow are here today ..

I see it in my best friend who even though she is vey busy with school and chores and such still says I can call her anytime 

and... 

I see it a lot in myself. 

Every one of us has it . The need is love. We all need love. Show me someone who under normal circumstances , does not want love. We all want the best friend to be able to talk to, we all want that guy or girl who just so gets us. I remember I really had a crush on this guy. I felt I had a real need to finally do something about it and find out if maybe just maybe he could like me back... even me and he was so great ( or so i thought not that he's awful or anything but he's human) I hope you guys don't feel that way about who I'm going to talk about next. Like you're not good enough. Like if people really knew in your thoughts and heart... you shudder to think. If that's you keep reading please.

 Most of all but we don't know it, we want that God who loves us . Why? Because we know he loves us as we are. Maybe not all the time but I think deep down we know . He knows all our thoughts all the things we try and hide so others will accept us as we are. I certainally hope you know God does accept you as you are and love you even now . He only wants you to come to him.And He can and will fill your needs. 

That's why God made us in the first place. He wanted love too. He wanted real love. He had the angels but God wanted us to have a choice and He knew we could choose not to love him. But God made the world anyways. He didn't stop Adam or Eve, was born into this world , lived a perfect life and died and rose again. That's real love and I hope to show that. 

If you get anything out of this my worship leader spoke since my pastor was out of town but two things he said I remember ... 

There is nothing you can do that will make Him love you any less then He does right now.

And there is nothing you can do that can make Him love you and more then He does right now.

Also if ever you need someone .. email me. 

Memories

I randomly feel i have to say this... 

I changed my color for you I shed my coat with caution I lack the beauty you display See here there are the bruises And some were self-inflicted And some showed up along the way So i nod my head Im ready for the world to see The secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be Slip into coma calm The coma where i calm myself down Here comes excuses why i let you down Stand by for another breakdown Sound off the alarm Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become Chameleon boy Chameleon boy So now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done Its telling you that im a mess What sort of mess i mean Is self-destructive gasoline The kind that strips you of your best And while i play instead the way that most would end up dead You sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed With this im telling you My color changes back to blue How do i ask you this Will you help me through? - chameleon boy blue october 

I thought I was ok but I don't know if i am. maybe i just read some stuff i shouldn't have. it was really sad. Memories of harder times , some things aren't so bad now but still ...

I want people to know I'm not perfect. Most peole know this but I think some people just think i'm ' so sweet' all the time and everything I just read a post about a girl who felt she always had to have it together and I want to admit I don't. .

What really one of the things I read is my longing to be closer to people. I feel so many times I nee to be closer to people. Some people have such closeness I want that. I'm so eager for that I think I scare people away at times how clingy I can be and by how many times I'll try and make it so we can hang out - ussually with the other person being busy.

 Everywhere I go it's awkward for me a lot , just standing around looking for someone to talk too.. even at the church I love. A lot of why I love it is my small group. Which we see each other at church but don't hang out otherwise I would like too though.

I've been upset a lot by honestly people saying they want to hang out with me and then guess what intead they hang out with my sister. It's happened a few times.

Elizabeth is and I hope forever will be my best friend. but she lives on the other side of the country. Even there it gets so we don't know what to talk about , and we both have things we're afraid to tell the other. We both end up at times where we wonder where God is and we feel we don't care kind of mood sort of like how i am now. 

My sisters lives are pretty much working out possibly to what they might be. My sister adele is engaged and seems to be pretty happy with the guy she's chosen, kay is trying to decide what school she wants to go to but is pretty sure of her boyfriend as well. I found that out a few weeks ago.

They have their lives planned out almost things could change from that but they won't be here with me forever . I don't think I'll be here forever. I worry about it because I don't know . I don't really have a plan.The ones I have i'm not sure off..  

I'm pretty much afraid of being alone. I want someone to love me for who I am in spite of myself . Despite how insecure I can be how it's hard for me to trust despite my moments like this .. despite the fact I'm scared . Even though sometimes I think I may have pushed away the truth so much I don't know what I feel and if those feelings are true. I want to be held . I remember once I was just really tired I don't ussually do this but a guy offered and I crawled into his lap and I leaned against him and closed my eyes. It felt really really amazing. ( and not romantically by the way I do not like this guy ) Though I wonder if I'll ever get a boyfriend. It always seems to be me liking someone when really I shouldn't. Someone who I don't know and who doesn't like me. 

I wonder if there's something about me that has honestly turned people off. Do I not take enough care of myself? Do I act too much like I don't want a boyfriend or do I scare them away? Kay has honestly asked what if I never get married and how would I feel about it. I don't know exactly I probably would feel different things. It makes me wonder if I'm the suppose to be like that , the type. On a humourous note though if honestly I'm older and I'm not married I am SO getting a heat up blanket. I'm tired of having a cold bed and if it looks like it'll always be that way for me i'm going to have something warm me up. . 

Before I started blogging recently I never knew love was so persecuted. Love is a battlefield does really seem like a deep song now.  I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it? - kate in john tucker must die .I think that's even with God.

I guess the reason why I wrote this in the 1st place is as I always do to come back to God. You may have noticed I have a lot of things I don't know in there. There is one thing though it may not seem like it .

But really I have to remember the things I do know deep down. I know there is a God who loves me more then words can say and he's given me so much. Eventually I will be in heaven with him. but for right now I'm living my life and I want to try and live it for him.I can't see how things will work out but they will. God will provide a way for me to live the life he wants me to live..I'm his and nothing is going to take me away from him. It's amazing to think about isn't it?  He won't abandon me or leave me friendless. I've got him and he loves me for who I am and he loves all of us. Remember that.

So I was just being dramatic but as always I came back to God and if it helps someone out I think it's worth it. 

Enough

One thing I finally did was make the above picture on paint I made it to remind me things I tend to forget about God, and I made it my background on my computer . So I can see it often. Check it out , you can use bits of it if you want and if you're curious as to some of the meanings on them be free to ask. 

Anways onto the blog.I think I'm onto something I kind of realized but it's hitting home more now. We all know that God knows everything right? Of course we do if you've ever been to Sunday school as a kid you know that. I was listening to a sermon again thanks to podcast on itunes and it got me thinking. For one thing God knows though I'm failing at following him..  I don't love him enough , I don't put him 1st, I worry , I have fears , I have pride vanity I waste my time with things I know I shouldn't ... but he knows that I'm trying.One of the biggest things I wish I could do that I can't  is to fully be able to love God with all my heart soul mind or strength.  I feel since God did all that he did for me I should be able to live loving him all the time while I'm here.. But I can't .But God knows I want too. I  doubt God, I don't feel I trust him enough really , I worry about the future, how people see me and things of that sort .

 How sad is it that I can't really trust and I worry even though I know  the one who won't lie to me , or want me to be hurt is in control and one that always is looking out for my good  also .But with God knowing I want to trust and love him , and doing my best  to do things that please him, I will mess up but trying anyways .. I think that's enough for God. Something else I realized is that people say love and forgiveness are actions and you choose to do them and that is true. But also Trust is in that same category. I wish I didn't rely so much on feelings they can be so misleading.

 Trust is an action, though I have doubts about all 3 of those that means I have a certain amount of fatih in them. Also think about this. When you love someone , you don't really care about obstacles do you? Things may come up in your mind as to why you shouldn't , why it won't work out , maybe what they've done to you before, whatever... 

Yet you don't care. You love them anyways I think how you love God is the same way . I  know you'll hurt God when I mess up, I know I don't deserve him. I know I can't give him the love he deserves .. yet I don't ' feel ' it all the time  (you know what they say actions speak louder then words  and i think somtimes even feelings. though I stray and get distracted I ussually am always trying to please God which I hope shows a bit at least of my true colors ..) I think deep down past my doubts and distractions I let come in , I love him too. I

 love how God loves me , how I know he's always listening to me , How nothing is too small for him and he cares about the little things like my little fears , and the big things how he dealt with all the pain somehow from the world and he he died for us on the cross . And that we just have to believe in him . And that's enough. 

Thank you LORD my back and forth love faith and trust in you is enough .help remind me of how much you love me and that you are more then enough for me .