The secret to life

I may be young but somehow
I think the secret to life I've realized
and no, I won't look back and think I'm wrong
I won't look back and think I lied

It's not about money power or beauty
how much You know or having fun for a spell 
You will never really be satisfied with those things..
They all can hurt like a knife and are empty like a dry well 

You may be wondering What is it then?
To try and always be a good person?
No I've tried, it's too hard and it's not enough
The noblest thing for you has already been done !

The secret of life I think we all look for ,
You'll wonder when you hear it,really it sounds odd ,
But knowing You can't do anything by yourself 
You need to let go and let God

small blessings for Jesus..

So many unknown people blesed God's heart

10 lepers were healed only one gave thanks

 women and men who knew just a touch or word from Him  would heal

a widow who trusted God about  giving all of her small piggy bank

God has always been so good to me ,

On me he's let his blessings pour

I want to bless Jesus's heart like one lady especially

When I think about what she did I like her more and more! 

A very sad ,desperate  woman 

Who must have had a very pain-filled life

She braves the rejection she felt she deserved

and others because of her past,will  give her strife

But what she didn't know how she blessed God

Was what the savior  had planned and was doing 

That he loved her so much for what she would do

For her , she was preparing him for when he be dying!

She blessed Jesus's heart , even she,

With a beautiful love offering 

She put perfume on His feet

People around him who should've, did nothing 

Through a hard life she was a sinner

She was saved by her act of kindness

She wasn't looked down on by Jesus 

She found wasn't forgiven or loved less

Closeness...

I think we're all scared. We don't want to admit it but we are,especially me. We're really scared. 

Of what you might ask? We're scared of rejection. Don't just up and leave because I said that. I'm not going to give some crazy sermon about how you don't need to worry about that because if you just read this book or do this or that that you'll have perfect friends like that, The End. That's not it. Some people might not really care what people think,and at times I wish I could be more like that . But I'm who God made me. I think it's cool for people who can always put themselves out there, and make people laugh and break the ice. The ones who everyone seems to like them and it doesn't look like anyone would reject them.. But what about the rest of us? 

The ones who sharpie their shoes .. ( guilty) , who really do care what people think ,and are very easily embarrassed and deal with rejection like all of us?Or who like me get nervous something as simple as asking a friend to hang out because you worry if they'll say no (again) they're busy or that they'll say yes and it'll be awkward. I've had that a lot.There has to be something for the rest of us .. who well maybe don't feel very close to their friends, and want to open up and become closer.. But they're scared. Or maybe you need friends maybe you've been hurt before. Maybe you need new ones because you've grown apart..Honestly with someone I was very sad to have leave and change it affected me a lot but the thing was.. I wasn't as close to her anymore and when we were it was mostly the fact that we've both faced rejection. I feel awkward a LOT. 

They say write what you know right? Well as some of you know... this is something I know about. A lot. I still deal with this. I've gone from a few ' best friends ' and we've eventually just grown apart. So for the friend department I wasn't doing so hot. And now my best friend of about 3 years is great and I love her , even all the way to rainy Washington state on the complete opposite side of the country basically.I've had many a lonely weekend. And it hurts when plans don't work out.

I've felt before it  would just be easier to just kinda give up on people before but on the asking to hang out a lot. But I didn't . You know why? I think a lot of things in this life we get mixed up. I think you need to do things you may feel are wrong. Like be yourself.  Be a little random and don't be so self conscious or take yourself too seriously, everyone sounds dumb sometimes honestly. A quote I like    " Don't take life too seriously no one gets out alive anyways."  

Honestly I'm trying to remember times where people got tongue tied and I can't remember a lot .. though it is me .. :-P Just try talking to people . A little small talk is OK but see if you can expand on it more. Get to know people , all people.You don't have to be limited. Do nice things for them. Jesus wants us to be nice to everyone. It's hard I know. ( Within reason I mean I'm not saying to force an old lady across a street you don't know or to put yourself in a dangerous situation but to have less of a filter I guess you could say.) 

A big part of it is knowing that you ARE going to get rejected sometimes.Welcome to life. But that may not necessarily mean they don't like you if they can't hang out. Keep trying. Try other friends. Still unfortunately not everyone will like you. But you know what? It's not going to be very much fun hardly having anyone you can talk to is it? People you can relate too who can give you feedback or just be a soundboard. Think about it. I think it's worth the risk. You have to take it. Also at least you won't have to wonder what if you had said yes and could have had a great time and gotten closer. 

And this wouldn't be complete without of course you've been more then accepted by someone who can be the best friend you'll ever have, Jesus of course. He will always listen to you , always forgive you , will never leave you, he's just not ' being nice' by all those things , He loves you so much! I think it's helped me handle rejection.. oh it still hurts but you can get over it with a bit of time. 

Unfortunately I don't have maybe the answer some of you were looking for, to the  friend whose friends aren't good friends. I can't answer that what I have to say is pray , try and talk to them and try and talk them maybe it's a miscommunication I hope that's the case but other than that all I have to say is you are very special and you deserve to be treated better then that .

 I felt it was kinda strange that I'm mostly talking about rejection when I thought about writing about closeness, but you'll have some of the 1st I think with people before you get too the 2nd (and you've got God always no matter what don't forget that) Also to help find true people you can be close to you do I think have to be yourself and maybe break out of your shell a little. And I'm still in this so I don't know if all this is right and I'm not saying this is all perfect because chances are pretty good it's not. 

Needs

                                                           " I need you." 

I heard those 3 words today. I was very glad to hear them. In short they were from someone I love very much , who I had been mad at and been childish about it I took something the wrong way though I knew I shouldn't have ..Anyways it was good to hear them .Needs, we have so many. Food clothing shelter... those in a class I took were said to be the 3 basic needs people need for surivival but are they really? I think we have more.. 

For some reason need , desperate need is so ... attractive for some reason. Or maybe it's just me.. it wouldn't be the 1st time. But really I guess what I really love about it is how it's so raw and real.  A real need just can't be ignored. It has to be denied. It won't downplay itself , it won't settle for less.. I hope you can tell I don't mean something trivial like ' I need some gum' or whatever.   

A real need is always in the back of our minds , It wants to be fullfilled quickly. It HAS to be done. Think of after you've just run a LOONG way (or maybe not so long if you're like me and running around my house a few times and..) what do you instantly want ? Well I don't know about you but if it's hot or anything I'm WATER!!

 So what do you guys think? are the things about all we really NEED?I don't think so. Not when I seen people writing sad poems or blogs online that are either just really sad or even sarcastic but you still see it.. 

I see it in my sister who tries to sing or make me laugh and I realize when I have to do something and she takes me that she's alone and doesn't seem to have anything to do..

I see it in my other sister who is let's just say in a relationship she shouldn't be in but she is..

I see it in my dad and my mom a lot in why they're where they're at from extreme pain and somehow are here today ..

I see it in my best friend who even though she is vey busy with school and chores and such still says I can call her anytime 

and... 

I see it a lot in myself. 

Every one of us has it . The need is love. We all need love. Show me someone who under normal circumstances , does not want love. We all want the best friend to be able to talk to, we all want that guy or girl who just so gets us. I remember I really had a crush on this guy. I felt I had a real need to finally do something about it and find out if maybe just maybe he could like me back... even me and he was so great ( or so i thought not that he's awful or anything but he's human) I hope you guys don't feel that way about who I'm going to talk about next. Like you're not good enough. Like if people really knew in your thoughts and heart... you shudder to think. If that's you keep reading please.

 Most of all but we don't know it, we want that God who loves us . Why? Because we know he loves us as we are. Maybe not all the time but I think deep down we know . He knows all our thoughts all the things we try and hide so others will accept us as we are. I certainally hope you know God does accept you as you are and love you even now . He only wants you to come to him.And He can and will fill your needs. 

That's why God made us in the first place. He wanted love too. He wanted real love. He had the angels but God wanted us to have a choice and He knew we could choose not to love him. But God made the world anyways. He didn't stop Adam or Eve, was born into this world , lived a perfect life and died and rose again. That's real love and I hope to show that. 

If you get anything out of this my worship leader spoke since my pastor was out of town but two things he said I remember ... 

There is nothing you can do that will make Him love you any less then He does right now.

And there is nothing you can do that can make Him love you and more then He does right now.

Also if ever you need someone .. email me. 

everyone read this

This may seem a bit of a basic truth but it's one we really need to remind ourselves a lot. I think God loves us and is all we need it doesn't matter what we've done He loves us anyways .. thinking about it brought tears to my eyes ,thinking about people who don't know this. I just want to let everyone know it and I hope God will use me to help people know that. Also I was just so thankful. It's so amazing to me I love realizing it again and again how God loves us.He's always going to take care of us we just need to come to him and at the end of the day that's all that matters. It 



There's something I want to say
A truth I want to be told 
It's a lie I believed 
which has quite a strong hold

This lie is well hidden 
It's a tough cookie
The lie is about perfection
That only 'good' people God sees 

we're told it's not true but
and feel what we're not up to par
and must do this do that, 
But God loves us as we are

We've heard it a million times before
But it really needs to sink in 
God loves you more then you can know
In his book you're more then a 10 

Know that there never is a time
Where we won't have any troubles
There's no secret to life except this ...
God loves us no matter how far we fall 

Sometimes you're doing too much
You don't need to go so fast 
God can speak in the slow times 
Remember God's forgiveness will always last 

Good people don't go to heaven 
Forgiven people go to heaven 
You're GOING to make a mess of things..
Remember you're loved by the King of Kings

Could You Help me to Keep Waiting?

So, it's that red and pink holiday again, and again i'm alone. well, not totally alone, after all, i have my family. But still, i'm alone. this is the second year in a row i've had to work on Valentine's Day, and while i'm not thrilled about going to work this evening (because of my cold that i'm battling) at least it'll keep me busy. At any rate, i'm ready to "release" a new song that i've been working on. maybe someday i'll have my brother record a video of me playing and singing it, but for now i'll just post the lyrics. It's called Keep Waiting. Some of this song came out of a letter i wrote to my future husband. I just ended up phrasing a sentance a certain way, and then poof! Melody and music came.(for those who haven't heard, i can "hear" in my mind an entire band, or even orchastra playing along to my songs. Weird, but true.) Anyways, this song puts me in a spot to just cry out to God when i'm getting anxious about this who Future Husband thing. Sometimes I find it extremely hard to wait, even though there's nothing i can do about waiting or not waiting. I know that God's timing is best, and He knows what He's doing. Even though it's tough, i just need to keep building my character, and moving closer towards God. I've jabbered long enough, here's the song, Keep Waiting:

I've been led back to the same conclusion
I need to wait it out
Avoid the road that leads to confusion
Because it only tries to knock me down

*chorus*
Could You help me to keep on waiting
'Til You say, "Let's go on."
I will let go
Surrender all control
And let You work in me

I am walking, wandering around
Will I ever find him
Will it all work out?
With my impatient heart
At times I can be jittery

chorus

bridge:
I don't know how
But I know you'll let me know
I don't know if I'll be ready
But I will be waiting anyway

So I keep sitting here
Writing my songs
I am hoping and praying
That it won't be long
But I'll keep praying for his life
As I go through mine

Chorus

Memories

I randomly feel i have to say this... 

I changed my color for you I shed my coat with caution I lack the beauty you display See here there are the bruises And some were self-inflicted And some showed up along the way So i nod my head Im ready for the world to see The secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be Slip into coma calm The coma where i calm myself down Here comes excuses why i let you down Stand by for another breakdown Sound off the alarm Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become Chameleon boy Chameleon boy So now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done Its telling you that im a mess What sort of mess i mean Is self-destructive gasoline The kind that strips you of your best And while i play instead the way that most would end up dead You sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed With this im telling you My color changes back to blue How do i ask you this Will you help me through? - chameleon boy blue october 

I thought I was ok but I don't know if i am. maybe i just read some stuff i shouldn't have. it was really sad. Memories of harder times , some things aren't so bad now but still ...

I want people to know I'm not perfect. Most peole know this but I think some people just think i'm ' so sweet' all the time and everything I just read a post about a girl who felt she always had to have it together and I want to admit I don't. .

What really one of the things I read is my longing to be closer to people. I feel so many times I nee to be closer to people. Some people have such closeness I want that. I'm so eager for that I think I scare people away at times how clingy I can be and by how many times I'll try and make it so we can hang out - ussually with the other person being busy.

 Everywhere I go it's awkward for me a lot , just standing around looking for someone to talk too.. even at the church I love. A lot of why I love it is my small group. Which we see each other at church but don't hang out otherwise I would like too though.

I've been upset a lot by honestly people saying they want to hang out with me and then guess what intead they hang out with my sister. It's happened a few times.

Elizabeth is and I hope forever will be my best friend. but she lives on the other side of the country. Even there it gets so we don't know what to talk about , and we both have things we're afraid to tell the other. We both end up at times where we wonder where God is and we feel we don't care kind of mood sort of like how i am now. 

My sisters lives are pretty much working out possibly to what they might be. My sister adele is engaged and seems to be pretty happy with the guy she's chosen, kay is trying to decide what school she wants to go to but is pretty sure of her boyfriend as well. I found that out a few weeks ago.

They have their lives planned out almost things could change from that but they won't be here with me forever . I don't think I'll be here forever. I worry about it because I don't know . I don't really have a plan.The ones I have i'm not sure off..  

I'm pretty much afraid of being alone. I want someone to love me for who I am in spite of myself . Despite how insecure I can be how it's hard for me to trust despite my moments like this .. despite the fact I'm scared . Even though sometimes I think I may have pushed away the truth so much I don't know what I feel and if those feelings are true. I want to be held . I remember once I was just really tired I don't ussually do this but a guy offered and I crawled into his lap and I leaned against him and closed my eyes. It felt really really amazing. ( and not romantically by the way I do not like this guy ) Though I wonder if I'll ever get a boyfriend. It always seems to be me liking someone when really I shouldn't. Someone who I don't know and who doesn't like me. 

I wonder if there's something about me that has honestly turned people off. Do I not take enough care of myself? Do I act too much like I don't want a boyfriend or do I scare them away? Kay has honestly asked what if I never get married and how would I feel about it. I don't know exactly I probably would feel different things. It makes me wonder if I'm the suppose to be like that , the type. On a humourous note though if honestly I'm older and I'm not married I am SO getting a heat up blanket. I'm tired of having a cold bed and if it looks like it'll always be that way for me i'm going to have something warm me up. . 

Before I started blogging recently I never knew love was so persecuted. Love is a battlefield does really seem like a deep song now.  I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it? - kate in john tucker must die .I think that's even with God.

I guess the reason why I wrote this in the 1st place is as I always do to come back to God. You may have noticed I have a lot of things I don't know in there. There is one thing though it may not seem like it .

But really I have to remember the things I do know deep down. I know there is a God who loves me more then words can say and he's given me so much. Eventually I will be in heaven with him. but for right now I'm living my life and I want to try and live it for him.I can't see how things will work out but they will. God will provide a way for me to live the life he wants me to live..I'm his and nothing is going to take me away from him. It's amazing to think about isn't it?  He won't abandon me or leave me friendless. I've got him and he loves me for who I am and he loves all of us. Remember that.

So I was just being dramatic but as always I came back to God and if it helps someone out I think it's worth it.