everyone read this

This may seem a bit of a basic truth but it's one we really need to remind ourselves a lot. I think God loves us and is all we need it doesn't matter what we've done He loves us anyways .. thinking about it brought tears to my eyes ,thinking about people who don't know this. I just want to let everyone know it and I hope God will use me to help people know that. Also I was just so thankful. It's so amazing to me I love realizing it again and again how God loves us.He's always going to take care of us we just need to come to him and at the end of the day that's all that matters. It 



There's something I want to say
A truth I want to be told 
It's a lie I believed 
which has quite a strong hold

This lie is well hidden 
It's a tough cookie
The lie is about perfection
That only 'good' people God sees 

we're told it's not true but
and feel what we're not up to par
and must do this do that, 
But God loves us as we are

We've heard it a million times before
But it really needs to sink in 
God loves you more then you can know
In his book you're more then a 10 

Know that there never is a time
Where we won't have any troubles
There's no secret to life except this ...
God loves us no matter how far we fall 

Sometimes you're doing too much
You don't need to go so fast 
God can speak in the slow times 
Remember God's forgiveness will always last 

Good people don't go to heaven 
Forgiven people go to heaven 
You're GOING to make a mess of things..
Remember you're loved by the King of Kings

Could You Help me to Keep Waiting?

So, it's that red and pink holiday again, and again i'm alone. well, not totally alone, after all, i have my family. But still, i'm alone. this is the second year in a row i've had to work on Valentine's Day, and while i'm not thrilled about going to work this evening (because of my cold that i'm battling) at least it'll keep me busy. At any rate, i'm ready to "release" a new song that i've been working on. maybe someday i'll have my brother record a video of me playing and singing it, but for now i'll just post the lyrics. It's called Keep Waiting. Some of this song came out of a letter i wrote to my future husband. I just ended up phrasing a sentance a certain way, and then poof! Melody and music came.(for those who haven't heard, i can "hear" in my mind an entire band, or even orchastra playing along to my songs. Weird, but true.) Anyways, this song puts me in a spot to just cry out to God when i'm getting anxious about this who Future Husband thing. Sometimes I find it extremely hard to wait, even though there's nothing i can do about waiting or not waiting. I know that God's timing is best, and He knows what He's doing. Even though it's tough, i just need to keep building my character, and moving closer towards God. I've jabbered long enough, here's the song, Keep Waiting:

I've been led back to the same conclusion
I need to wait it out
Avoid the road that leads to confusion
Because it only tries to knock me down

*chorus*
Could You help me to keep on waiting
'Til You say, "Let's go on."
I will let go
Surrender all control
And let You work in me

I am walking, wandering around
Will I ever find him
Will it all work out?
With my impatient heart
At times I can be jittery

chorus

bridge:
I don't know how
But I know you'll let me know
I don't know if I'll be ready
But I will be waiting anyway

So I keep sitting here
Writing my songs
I am hoping and praying
That it won't be long
But I'll keep praying for his life
As I go through mine

Chorus

Memories

I randomly feel i have to say this... 

I changed my color for you I shed my coat with caution I lack the beauty you display See here there are the bruises And some were self-inflicted And some showed up along the way So i nod my head Im ready for the world to see The secret i kept here inside the man you thought id be Slip into coma calm The coma where i calm myself down Here comes excuses why i let you down Stand by for another breakdown Sound off the alarm Is this the chameleon boy i swore i wouldnt become Chameleon boy Chameleon boy So now weve come upon the hardest thing ive ever done Its telling you that im a mess What sort of mess i mean Is self-destructive gasoline The kind that strips you of your best And while i play instead the way that most would end up dead You sleep alone at home and wish that i was in our bed With this im telling you My color changes back to blue How do i ask you this Will you help me through? - chameleon boy blue october 

I thought I was ok but I don't know if i am. maybe i just read some stuff i shouldn't have. it was really sad. Memories of harder times , some things aren't so bad now but still ...

I want people to know I'm not perfect. Most peole know this but I think some people just think i'm ' so sweet' all the time and everything I just read a post about a girl who felt she always had to have it together and I want to admit I don't. .

What really one of the things I read is my longing to be closer to people. I feel so many times I nee to be closer to people. Some people have such closeness I want that. I'm so eager for that I think I scare people away at times how clingy I can be and by how many times I'll try and make it so we can hang out - ussually with the other person being busy.

 Everywhere I go it's awkward for me a lot , just standing around looking for someone to talk too.. even at the church I love. A lot of why I love it is my small group. Which we see each other at church but don't hang out otherwise I would like too though.

I've been upset a lot by honestly people saying they want to hang out with me and then guess what intead they hang out with my sister. It's happened a few times.

Elizabeth is and I hope forever will be my best friend. but she lives on the other side of the country. Even there it gets so we don't know what to talk about , and we both have things we're afraid to tell the other. We both end up at times where we wonder where God is and we feel we don't care kind of mood sort of like how i am now. 

My sisters lives are pretty much working out possibly to what they might be. My sister adele is engaged and seems to be pretty happy with the guy she's chosen, kay is trying to decide what school she wants to go to but is pretty sure of her boyfriend as well. I found that out a few weeks ago.

They have their lives planned out almost things could change from that but they won't be here with me forever . I don't think I'll be here forever. I worry about it because I don't know . I don't really have a plan.The ones I have i'm not sure off..  

I'm pretty much afraid of being alone. I want someone to love me for who I am in spite of myself . Despite how insecure I can be how it's hard for me to trust despite my moments like this .. despite the fact I'm scared . Even though sometimes I think I may have pushed away the truth so much I don't know what I feel and if those feelings are true. I want to be held . I remember once I was just really tired I don't ussually do this but a guy offered and I crawled into his lap and I leaned against him and closed my eyes. It felt really really amazing. ( and not romantically by the way I do not like this guy ) Though I wonder if I'll ever get a boyfriend. It always seems to be me liking someone when really I shouldn't. Someone who I don't know and who doesn't like me. 

I wonder if there's something about me that has honestly turned people off. Do I not take enough care of myself? Do I act too much like I don't want a boyfriend or do I scare them away? Kay has honestly asked what if I never get married and how would I feel about it. I don't know exactly I probably would feel different things. It makes me wonder if I'm the suppose to be like that , the type. On a humourous note though if honestly I'm older and I'm not married I am SO getting a heat up blanket. I'm tired of having a cold bed and if it looks like it'll always be that way for me i'm going to have something warm me up. . 

Before I started blogging recently I never knew love was so persecuted. Love is a battlefield does really seem like a deep song now.  I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it? - kate in john tucker must die .I think that's even with God.

I guess the reason why I wrote this in the 1st place is as I always do to come back to God. You may have noticed I have a lot of things I don't know in there. There is one thing though it may not seem like it .

But really I have to remember the things I do know deep down. I know there is a God who loves me more then words can say and he's given me so much. Eventually I will be in heaven with him. but for right now I'm living my life and I want to try and live it for him.I can't see how things will work out but they will. God will provide a way for me to live the life he wants me to live..I'm his and nothing is going to take me away from him. It's amazing to think about isn't it?  He won't abandon me or leave me friendless. I've got him and he loves me for who I am and he loves all of us. Remember that.

So I was just being dramatic but as always I came back to God and if it helps someone out I think it's worth it.