whatever it takes

There is so much you want in life
To work a good job so you can save money
To be independent and take care of yourself but.
now; luck time, book and street smarts is usually the key

School is so important to us all, so necessary
knowledge is power something that's true i guess
but it's so expensive and a lot of work, in the end
for something so mandatory it is hard to access

Friends are there during the tough times
But are tough. disagreements,distance,change
So many things can strain a friendship yet without it..
we become lonely instantly even in crowded room it is strange

How far are you willing to go?
We all want these things and more
They all need things for them to grow
it's a circle, so hard to break out of ..it's a war

Some people will do anything
For one or two items on the list
use up all our time and energy that..
the other things we want we may miss

While those things are good for our life
don't let it consume you more then it should
Remember to do best to keep in first place the one who came
They did whatever it took for you ,and try and do something good.

unclean unclean

How could the people take it?
They didn't ask for it to happen
then bam they're all alone
they're treated guilty as sin

They could have had the potential
l to be great people , world changers
But they are nothing , outsiders and outcast
for emotional or physical needs mostly no cures

Or even if they lived a small life
many wouldn't have objected
compared to being only a label
Unclean ! To all others you're dead

Think about it others treated them as..
worthless, lowest of low, rejected ,godforsaken
away from family and friends most likely forever
away from everybody..it's a game they can't win

But then everything changed , someone broke the norm
a simple carpenter later who turned out to be so much more
He loved them , He touched him and healed lepers and sick
The king of kings helped them their needs He didn't ignore

What if we listened to Jesus
when He said "Remain in my love"
even to those who are ' unclean I think..
we in turn will be blessed , from them and from above

expectations

how many times does it have to happen?
you're up then bam- and you plummet back down ?
The shock is badreally ? it had to happen again?
I feel all alone with people all in this town

All the awkward conversations.
.and the other people are just being polite
there you can tell you're the only one trying
everyone is so busy but still for the friendship you fight

you work hard and do the best you can
but yet you find it wasn't enough
to know that after all that you still failed
it hurts a lot and it's more then rough

Only a few hobbies help for a while but still..
you feel the dull pain and sadness in your chest
you save treats to help sometimes you're ok
but still at night especially it comes out to nest

you want change but yet you worry and feel..
it'll happen: your life's newspaper will have a new header
you'll get a job, meet new friends all the stuff you want..
so you don't move you hope things will change for the better

speak now

i got taylor swift's new cd and it is great i don't have all the songs memorized yet but i don't have all the songs memorized just my favories. i have a lot. fearless, the way i loved you , teardrops on my guitar, beautiful eyes, permanent marker , your face,i <3 ? , superstar the way i loved you you belong with me . i'd lie . fearless. i'm only me when i'm with you. mine . all of them mostly some of them it was a while ago so might be a bit shaky. it's amazing. What taylor says speaks to me . in speak now she talks about you need to take the chances and say what you wanna say better to try and fail then to never have tried. and it makes me think.

I'm always so cautious ,afraid . always thinking about what others think . did i talk to much did i come off this way? too aggressive? passive? look like an idiot? i think back and have some regrets. what ifs about this and that. i always seem to think over times. life feels like it's gone fast yet so slow. don't know which . i think back and i remember new years , times with cheerleading at the raining game . i remember prom . i remember hanging out with marissa kelsey or even just a kid around 12.. going to thomas's church and youth group and the crazy tsamala girls. vacations with the family.. the time i found out the worst news and feared for my family staying together. finally going to go meet liz . breaking down with her .. i remember it was great i could be myself around her. i remember it was cool to meet and hang out with her after crying and praying for a best friend. hanging out with people being 3rd wheel ...i remember my 1st boyfriend how excited i was getting ready for my 1st date. i remember the butterflies being so nervous and how it felt when we held hands. i remember always being afraid to say or do the wrong thing that it would be over. i think that might be why it ended. before it did i remember how it felt getting card saying he loved being with me. then how frustrated and sad i was when he couldn't come to family christmas with me being upset and telling him so in email and barely talking to him. i called him he didn't pick up .i wonder if i called the wrong number. being upset calling him he didn't pick up.. then getting to talk to him i think things are fine then he says... oh check your email. i remember being so upset. so many questions i start crying. wondering when i need to tell my family. more like a sister.i cried and sat in my dad's lap. feeling like a light had gone from my life. talking to him and hanging out with him had been. the next morning him iming me asking me if i'm ok. myspace comments him putting up old pictures oh the confusion . i remember the anger and jealousy after finding out he hung out with another girl and didn't tell me about it how even though heard she was seeing someone else that harldy helped because he chose to do that instead of seeing me.how he hung out with girls new years and he tagged me in note saying day after he broke up with me some other girl was his new years kiss.

it's been almost a year now since we started talking. i remember when i first met him thinking he was way out of my leauge. he was so cute and dressed nice. couldn't believe he was interested in me and wiling to drive as far as he did to come see me. then when i found he was dating someone else i cried. i remember talking with my guy friend M . telling him how i felt. M was really sweet. i told him my deepest feelings. how finding out he was dating someone else made me feel like i wasn't good enough. he said no don't ever say that. one night i was so close... really close. to texting B and telling him i missed him. i just texted him asked how he was doing . i wonder if i had read and heard speak now and read taylors intro to it.. if i would have done it any differently. a lot i've been thinking of the song the other side of the door. i wish over and over he would say he cared about me and explain himself and he would prove himself. it's been a year but as it was when i saw him at my school it would be awkward. the 1st time i came in a room where he was and i saw him i know i had the deer in the headlights look and almost turned around. was so happy to be away .. even now i am safe i don't go to school but in the spring i plan on going back. i was so upset even though i knew i wouldn't see him when i heard he came to niagra falls closer then nc to WA ! i wanted him so bad to be on the other side of the country. but then he kept emailing me. once even told me i was right to only date christians. so with that i think i will write him, go take a walk , and listen to taylor swift maybe even sing on the other side of the door. i don't know what if anything will happen for today i think that is a good plan and come back and iron instead of being lazy.

and as much as i wish i could type this or something similar i can't.at least learned i can be more fearless and it's ok to speak now. but it's something, as always i'm doing the best i can . And I scream out the window,"I can't even look at you, I don't need you," But I do, I do, I do. I say, "There's nothing you can say To make this right again, I mean it, I mean it" What I mean is.. I'll still leave but baby all i want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming i'm in love with you wait there in the pouring rain come back for more and don't you leave cuz i know all i need is on the other side of the door.

Well lately i've been moody a lot lately . everyone's busy except for me i only have one class i do , and one once a week job. I run errands driving sometimes which has ups and downs as well with driving with my dad. and sometimes hang out with people but it's rare. i am going to church but haven't connected with people my age that well. i want to scream at the leaders why don't you have small groups why are there older people why not have it split? why don't you encourage more friendliness? i can't go all the time, and people don't remember me that much. seems groupy. everyone is dressed nicely . we sit in a circle facing each other . there's like 20 people.. and uggh. but i still go when i can . i don't have work don't know when to make my classes at rccc. after rccc still not sure where i am going to transfer too how that will work . will i be able to handle all the school i have to do ? will i be able to find a good paying job after school? both my sisters have a significant other. i haven't hand a boyfriend in almost a year. a lot of people want me to move to the northwest and i wish i could too. or that i stayed longer. if it weren't for my job if i knew before how i would feel... i would have changed my ticket till like deccember. i've seen mh once , ja once , mu (uggh) a few times. kay stays a bit but is talking to thomas on phone or doing school or wedding stuff on computer . she then leaves or work, wedding stuff or to go see thomas and hang out at the pinckeys. adele comes by sometimes tells me i need to get contacts and change my hair and have a makeover. the only friend i enjoy a lot is jg who i work with . was supposed to see mo but he was a no show.

LM is busy with school and stuff. and she's got her own life. and i miss her like crazy. but i'm trying not to stay on facebook too much. she doesn't get much texting and we both don't have very many phone minutes and dumb time change as when it's 9 here it's 6 there hw or cooking dinner sometimes still in class.

music keeps me sane. i do have stuff on my to do list so it's not like i'm bored. i watch movies on tv and youtube and apply for jobs write letters have stuff . i go walks which is really enjoy and want to do more . i wish i had done one today . but i didn't and then it was dark. yesterday i took a walk and saw an anthill . i poked it with a small stick and they all ran around worried for their nest. such a small hole.reminds me of how i don't have to worry because God has all of my worries with friends, school, job, money, future and all of life, He-the God of the univierse knows about them knows what's best for me and loves me and nothing can separate me from that. He is going to take care of me. I just need to follow him

famous song lyrics from the cinderella movie. I think about God with this . He loved us first he made us even though He knew we would go astray break his head over and over blame him for things that happen in lives that aren't his fault not only did he know it beforehand and go through it, while it was happening and after we hurt him again and again he didn't ever change his mind. It would have been easy to say as in my big fat greek wedding , "Ha. Yeah, right, you're so not worth this." Who would blame him? but God didn't change his mind he still created us , let us live, and died for us. Of course from the song lyrics from cinderella it isn't US that are wonderful. We loved him because He first loved us" God helps us become more like him to not think so much about ourselves . i think it would please him if we more often let him know we love him because he's wonderful and sure glad he thinks somehow we're wonderful because he loves us.

Waiting on my one in a million : it's so easy to get caught up in the moment the nervousness and the thrill , smiles , and the compliments too go too fast and too soon.. to joke instead of being serious to ignore important flaws you might see with the persons character . it only breaks your heart. i am waiting for my one in a million . going to do my best to wait on God for my man. God will take care of me . though it's always a struggle i know whatever God's plan , His plan is good. whether i am single or married with 10 kids i don't want to go down any other road. i know whatever it is Jesus can take my load.

simple things.. i think we take them for granted. some things are just so ..amazing. maybe even not amazing yet just simply cool or interesting. One thing i hope .. is to be more simple. I was at a bible study and I just like it when stuff is simplified and how it really happened. I hate it when everyone is so formal everything has to be a certain way. Just tell it like it is. It is a lot easier. You don't need to use 3 dollar words for us to understand you . Something I need to work on i know i don't mean to but things get complicated i'm basically twister when talking sometimes and i'll be rambling stories and different things . Just thought i'd put it out there.

A bunch of bits of pieces of easter songs

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Jesus paid it all, All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

An old rugged cross was the justice
I deserved yet I was spared the penalty of sin..
When mercy stepped in

What can wash away my sin?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were an offering far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

The greatest day in history,
Death is beaten
You have rescued me
Sing it out Jesus is alive
The empty cross, the empty grave
Life eternal you have won the day
Shout it out Jesus is alive He’s alive

Oh happy day, happy day
You washed my sin away
Oh happy day, happy day
I'll never be the same
Forever I am changed

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

Why should I gain from his reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom…

confusing post..

Christian Character award
I remember being about 12 or so and going to a sort of Bible study I used to go to with my church. We would do studies on things try and memorize scripture and hang out with each other. It was called All Star's . Now that d really it was just judging who had the best behavior. Who was the nicest and didn't cause trouble. But really we need to remember that is not what being a Christian is about. It is more then being nice and polite and not doing certain bad things.

Being a Christian is realizing you've messed up , and trying to go in the right direction and follow Christ. Even though you know you'll mess up along the way. Trying to serve Him and figure out what he has in store for you in this life. How "Good " of a Christian you are really cannot fully be judged from the outside. You never know what is going on in a persons heart. You don't know what they've been through . So Try and find good Christian friends , mentors ,teachers, pastors, future spouses -whatever . But I don't think there you need to be handing out Christian Character awards. Every person that you think is a 10 Christian you might say has struggles too and people who you might say are 3 doesn't mean they have their good moments. I remember in the Bible after Jesus comes back Peter is asking about John and what will happen to him . Jesus replies " If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? " John 21:22

I'm not saying it's good to just ignore someone who needs your help but I think we need to spend less time judging others and work more on ourselves. Your friends and different people will struggle in their life .It is a fact. They will have loss , hurt, anger and many other things happen. No one is perfect. That doesn't mean that someone is a horrible Christian and you need to go tell people to shun them.That is what hurts and turns people off. It doesn't help a bit. What can help is love and people caring. A big thing to remember is that a person's walk with Christ , you can't see. This doesn't mean you should put yourself in dangerous situations having no common sense , if possible to help them if they are wiling to receive help if they are struggling with something. You cant change anyone. Remember that. That is God's job. You can try and help people but you can't change them . They choose. If they make the wrong decision it's not your fault. And remember judging people at the end of the day is Jesus's job. Not yours.

Handcuffs and Twisted Necklaces

When you start to get close to people then they start attaching themselves to yourself and your heart . Or in how i want to put it through like a handcuff around your wrist. it doesn't start like that it starts out as string.. easy to detach yourself from.the more time money energy and everything spent on the person , the harder and tighter it gets on you. it becomes harder when you've known the person a long time are really close and spend a lot of time together if it has to break , it is harder to detach yourself from . A thing is to make sure of the person you're letting yourself get attached too .. and want to make sure that they are attached to you as well before the attachment goes too far. And for the main attachment marriage is the hardest because you are closer then . it is real, tight handcuffs practically to the other person for life. and to have to break that apart would be really hard probably on both people. so I definitely want to make sure of the person I am getting married too.

Another random analogy i've had in my head is what I want to do.most people know i want to be a christian counselor but i really want to help some people understand what I want to do. I've just had crud in my life and i know it's hard to get past. Things get complicated. I picture some peoples lives as necklaces that have gotten twisted.. i can't save them but i hope to help them get untangled. They need to do work too if a necklace won't move or is stubborn that doesn't help. Just a picture in my mind i've had in my mind .. Praying it will work out.

How are you?

How are you?

How are you? Are you ok?

I ask checking if everything is alright

after you are quiet, a sad status or note,

a breakup, a death, or even a small fight

I want to help I really do..

But am I any help at all?

Smiles,hugs, jokes prayers..

my help seems small.

It's what I really want to do in life..

Help the people whose life is a mess

and to them find true healing

But I must confess...

It feels weird for me to need to talk

or the one who has the problem .

I can open up.. but sometimes it is hard..

Honestly it seems sometimes I try more then them

A lot of my friends need help

They have issues without a doubt

I love them really and not just"practice"

but ..for future it won't hurt that I try to help them out

Obviously I am not perfect..no one is

But I try to help the best I can now

To cheer them up and lead them to Him

who helps us do things when we don't know how

Sometimes I'm having trouble myself

Sometimes there is not enough time

Sometimes but no words come

I feel bad but it's what comes off life's shelf..

For those who don't or won't follow Him

or the unsure, really am a lot more blind

I know what they need but they don't..

That answer I still have yet to find

You don't know what will offend them

What they've heard a million times before

Or what they really need to hear

I really don't want them to walk out the door

Though I worry so much sometimes

For my friends and their future fate

I know I can't save people only God can

I care a lot..so on me it's still a weight

People sometimes wonder when I talk to them

In this crazy life that is sometimes at best a zoo

Why do I always ask the same question.

It comes almost always as if on cue..

I ask this question because I really care

And making sure no one is blue

And I want to know the truth

The question is how are you?

for those who dare to read this....

Thank you all who have helped for now I would appreciate if you keep this to yourselves .. I will be ok but i would appreciate prayer ..i hope i don't sound too pessimistic having bad few nights...hopefully you can read all of this but it's how i feel...

It seems a long time ago from The time when I was invisible To the guys at the very least A bit much but to me it felt real

Then you come along ..you soon took my notice I didn't think you would ever like me but before long you were my first kiss

I wasn't sure about you I didn't want to move too fast you wanted more I decided why not? As my 1st boyfriend you were cast

I was happy but then...you seemed to want me to change.Little weird comments and questions Maybe it's just me and for you it's not strange..

I really liked you, wanted to get closer but i was shy a lot..this was all new Sometimes I didn't know what to say.. never thought so soon my mood would turn blue.

I thought something might not be quite right but at the time i thought things were fine then the rug was pulled out from under my feet email says it's over, I can't help but feel the fault is mine

I couldn't believe it ... I sat in my dad's lap and cried my emotions are up and down and a lot of the time I want to hide

You said I seem more like a friend..and you don't want a relationship now You started this and how long was i a "friend'? It seemed fine and now this..I wonder how?

How can I argue with something like you see me as a friend? No talking about it not another chance..You just pulled the plug and the end.

I called before I knew..I thought you would care..You didn't pick up the phone..All because you were.. Scared of 'losing a close friend' and lack of words.. I was upset already then you left me alone..

How could you expect me to go to be friends from what we were How did you do it.I read..how the next day you kissed her..

I was angry and jealous all at once Did you do it to rub it in my face? Short timing..Did I mean so little to you? I really wanted to put you in your place I'm too nice of course..a bit of time has passed I still cry at our pictures How did it end all so fast?

Little things bother me..Despite all you say or do please don't expect too much Because..I really liked you

I told you you hurt me..For you it was "sad to hear"..No classes together for us! I just don't want you to be too near...

Some little things I miss..but if on you it began to dawn that you wanted to try again Your chance ..I'm pretty sure is gone

I will be alright I will be fine This is just me after I fell..I want to as know as much as I can.. I wish you well..

I don't like to feel this way you tried a bit to be a nice guy..I don't know how much I can handle.. But I want to do what I can to try...