speak now

i got taylor swift's new cd and it is great i don't have all the songs memorized yet but i don't have all the songs memorized just my favories. i have a lot. fearless, the way i loved you , teardrops on my guitar, beautiful eyes, permanent marker , your face,i <3 ? , superstar the way i loved you you belong with me . i'd lie . fearless. i'm only me when i'm with you. mine . all of them mostly some of them it was a while ago so might be a bit shaky. it's amazing. What taylor says speaks to me . in speak now she talks about you need to take the chances and say what you wanna say better to try and fail then to never have tried. and it makes me think.

I'm always so cautious ,afraid . always thinking about what others think . did i talk to much did i come off this way? too aggressive? passive? look like an idiot? i think back and have some regrets. what ifs about this and that. i always seem to think over times. life feels like it's gone fast yet so slow. don't know which . i think back and i remember new years , times with cheerleading at the raining game . i remember prom . i remember hanging out with marissa kelsey or even just a kid around 12.. going to thomas's church and youth group and the crazy tsamala girls. vacations with the family.. the time i found out the worst news and feared for my family staying together. finally going to go meet liz . breaking down with her .. i remember it was great i could be myself around her. i remember it was cool to meet and hang out with her after crying and praying for a best friend. hanging out with people being 3rd wheel ...i remember my 1st boyfriend how excited i was getting ready for my 1st date. i remember the butterflies being so nervous and how it felt when we held hands. i remember always being afraid to say or do the wrong thing that it would be over. i think that might be why it ended. before it did i remember how it felt getting card saying he loved being with me. then how frustrated and sad i was when he couldn't come to family christmas with me being upset and telling him so in email and barely talking to him. i called him he didn't pick up .i wonder if i called the wrong number. being upset calling him he didn't pick up.. then getting to talk to him i think things are fine then he says... oh check your email. i remember being so upset. so many questions i start crying. wondering when i need to tell my family. more like a sister.i cried and sat in my dad's lap. feeling like a light had gone from my life. talking to him and hanging out with him had been. the next morning him iming me asking me if i'm ok. myspace comments him putting up old pictures oh the confusion . i remember the anger and jealousy after finding out he hung out with another girl and didn't tell me about it how even though heard she was seeing someone else that harldy helped because he chose to do that instead of seeing me.how he hung out with girls new years and he tagged me in note saying day after he broke up with me some other girl was his new years kiss.

it's been almost a year now since we started talking. i remember when i first met him thinking he was way out of my leauge. he was so cute and dressed nice. couldn't believe he was interested in me and wiling to drive as far as he did to come see me. then when i found he was dating someone else i cried. i remember talking with my guy friend M . telling him how i felt. M was really sweet. i told him my deepest feelings. how finding out he was dating someone else made me feel like i wasn't good enough. he said no don't ever say that. one night i was so close... really close. to texting B and telling him i missed him. i just texted him asked how he was doing . i wonder if i had read and heard speak now and read taylors intro to it.. if i would have done it any differently. a lot i've been thinking of the song the other side of the door. i wish over and over he would say he cared about me and explain himself and he would prove himself. it's been a year but as it was when i saw him at my school it would be awkward. the 1st time i came in a room where he was and i saw him i know i had the deer in the headlights look and almost turned around. was so happy to be away .. even now i am safe i don't go to school but in the spring i plan on going back. i was so upset even though i knew i wouldn't see him when i heard he came to niagra falls closer then nc to WA ! i wanted him so bad to be on the other side of the country. but then he kept emailing me. once even told me i was right to only date christians. so with that i think i will write him, go take a walk , and listen to taylor swift maybe even sing on the other side of the door. i don't know what if anything will happen for today i think that is a good plan and come back and iron instead of being lazy.

and as much as i wish i could type this or something similar i can't.at least learned i can be more fearless and it's ok to speak now. but it's something, as always i'm doing the best i can . And I scream out the window,"I can't even look at you, I don't need you," But I do, I do, I do. I say, "There's nothing you can say To make this right again, I mean it, I mean it" What I mean is.. I'll still leave but baby all i want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming i'm in love with you wait there in the pouring rain come back for more and don't you leave cuz i know all i need is on the other side of the door.

Well lately i've been moody a lot lately . everyone's busy except for me i only have one class i do , and one once a week job. I run errands driving sometimes which has ups and downs as well with driving with my dad. and sometimes hang out with people but it's rare. i am going to church but haven't connected with people my age that well. i want to scream at the leaders why don't you have small groups why are there older people why not have it split? why don't you encourage more friendliness? i can't go all the time, and people don't remember me that much. seems groupy. everyone is dressed nicely . we sit in a circle facing each other . there's like 20 people.. and uggh. but i still go when i can . i don't have work don't know when to make my classes at rccc. after rccc still not sure where i am going to transfer too how that will work . will i be able to handle all the school i have to do ? will i be able to find a good paying job after school? both my sisters have a significant other. i haven't hand a boyfriend in almost a year. a lot of people want me to move to the northwest and i wish i could too. or that i stayed longer. if it weren't for my job if i knew before how i would feel... i would have changed my ticket till like deccember. i've seen mh once , ja once , mu (uggh) a few times. kay stays a bit but is talking to thomas on phone or doing school or wedding stuff on computer . she then leaves or work, wedding stuff or to go see thomas and hang out at the pinckeys. adele comes by sometimes tells me i need to get contacts and change my hair and have a makeover. the only friend i enjoy a lot is jg who i work with . was supposed to see mo but he was a no show.

LM is busy with school and stuff. and she's got her own life. and i miss her like crazy. but i'm trying not to stay on facebook too much. she doesn't get much texting and we both don't have very many phone minutes and dumb time change as when it's 9 here it's 6 there hw or cooking dinner sometimes still in class.

music keeps me sane. i do have stuff on my to do list so it's not like i'm bored. i watch movies on tv and youtube and apply for jobs write letters have stuff . i go walks which is really enjoy and want to do more . i wish i had done one today . but i didn't and then it was dark. yesterday i took a walk and saw an anthill . i poked it with a small stick and they all ran around worried for their nest. such a small hole.reminds me of how i don't have to worry because God has all of my worries with friends, school, job, money, future and all of life, He-the God of the univierse knows about them knows what's best for me and loves me and nothing can separate me from that. He is going to take care of me. I just need to follow him